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JOKES ARCHIVE

A listing of past jokes on the Ticklers frontpage. To submit, first read and follow the Ticklers Guidelines and then send your work to ticklers@theonering.net.


12/01/03 Archive (Highlight after 'ANSWER:' to read the punchline)

 •What did Legolas see when he looked into Galadriel's mirror?
ANSWER: A Bloomin' fine looking Elf.
- submitted by Lorella

 •What would be Ned Flanders name in Middle Earth?
ANSWER: Tom Bom-didli-om-bom
- submitted by Lorella

 •There was an archery contest in Lothlorien and all the great archers were there. The 1st one comes up and fires his arrow right in the apple on top of an elf head and says:
-I'm Legolas!!!
The 2nd one comes and fires his arrow...he splits the 1st arrow in half and says:
-I'm Thranduil
Another comes and shoots the elf under the apple and says:
-I'm...sorry!!!
- submitted by Oana


09/15/03 Archive (Highlight after 'ANSWER:' to read the punchline)

 •Screenshot inside Meduseld, where Theoden faces Aragorn sitting at table and Legolas leaning against the pillar:

Theoden: Last I heard, Theoden, not Aragorn, was King of Rohan.

Legolas: (thinking) And such a fine job you've been doing, your Zombieness.
- submitted by Mackie i>

 •Close up of Aragorn in the stables of Meduseld where he was speaking to Gandalf, thinking:

Dawn of the fifth day. Did he mean for me to count this morning as Dawn 1, or am I supposed to start counting *tomorrow* morning…?
- submitted by Mackie i>

 •Why did Elrond disapprove of Arwen getting married?
ANSWER: He didn't want any more rings in the family.
- submitted by Turin

 •What is the best characteristic of Iluvatar?
ANSWER: His valar
- submitted by Turin

 •What would legolas be called if he lost a leg in battle?
ANSWER: Lasoleg (say it: less-a-leg)
- submitted by Pepsigirl930

 •Why did Beren cross the road?
ANSWER: To go to the second-hand shop
- submitted by Imrahil Grange

 •What did Merry say to Gandalf after Pippin stole the Palantir?
ANSWER: Perigrin Took it!!
- submitted by Riva L

 •Knock knock
Who's there?
Beren
Beren who?
There's a Beren the woods!
- submitted by Emwhre Hithaelin

 •What is Aragorn's favorite snack?
ANSWER: Orc rinds!
- submitted by Drabah

 •How would one phone Sauron?
ANSWER: Dial "M" for Mordor!
- submitted by Comrade Smithnikov

 •What did Galadriel say to the bartender?
ANSWER: Sí man i yulma nín enquantuva?
- submitted by 4631

 •Why do elves have such nice hair?
ANSWER: They use Loth-Loriel, ‘cause they’re worth it!
- submitted by 4631


09/15/03 Archive (Highlight after 'ANSWER:' to read the punchline)

 •What do you call an Elf that loves waffles?
ANSWER: Lego-my-eggo-las.
- submitted by TJJ

 •Why can't Saruman read his wristwatch?
ANSWER: Because his arm has grown long.
- submitted by Maugan

 •What do you call an absent-minded Dúnadan?
ANSWER: A Space Ranger!
- submitted by daazihopper

 •Why did the one-armed Balrog cross the Road?
ANSWER: To get to the Firearm shop!!
- submitted by Legolas_Ringelf

 •What does a wild dwarf wear?
ANSWER: A Gloin cloth!
- submitted by AH

 •What did the Galadriel say to the bartender?
ANSWER: Sí man i yulma nin enquantuva?
- submitted by 4631

 •Many have heard that the Deeps of Moria were rich of mithril, but little do they know about a small storehouse of imported elvish "Celebdil the White" soap powder. Well, Gandalf didn't miss a good opportunity to do some washing.
- submitted by Galathien

 •Gimli: That would be Ori's hand.
Aragorn (coming closer and peering into the gloom): Nay, Gimli. It is Ori's leg.

- submitted by Galathien

 •'Ach!!! SSS!!! Leave uss alone, gollum!!! It freezess, it bitesss!!! Don't hurt uss with that nassty cruel ssteel!!!' was heard out of dental surgery.
- submitted by Galathien

 •During the long evenings of their captivity in Orthanc, encircled by the ents, Saruman and Grima the Wormtongue used to argue about what to watch on palantir: "Mordor's latest news" or "Miss Middle-Earth 3019".
- submitted by Galathien


07/15/03 Archive (Highlight after 'ANSWER:' to read the punchline)

 •Why is Sauron called the Lord of the Rings?
ANSWER: Because he never answers the telephone
- submitted by KeeperOtheLight

 •How would you ask a Ringwraith for a date?
ANSWER: "What's a Nazgul doing in a place like this?"
- submitted by JW

 •What do you get when you mix a Dwarf with highly annoying advertisment songs?
ANSWER: Gimli a break! Gimli a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat Bar!
- submitted by Frodo's Girl13

 •What do you say if you bump into a wizard?
ANSWER: Saruman, I didn't see ya there!!!
- submitted by KS

 •at the Council of Elrond
Aragorn:...You have my sword...
Legolas: And my bow...
Gimli: And my axe!
*everything stops*
Frodo: Your WHAT?!!!
- submitted by Flick

 •Sam: (to Frodo at The Prancing Pony) That fellow's done nothin' but stare at you since we arrived.
Merry: (to Sam) That's because he thinks she's pretty.
- submitted by Appy the 'Appy 'Obbit

 •Why did the Balrog cross the road?
ANSWER: He ate the chicken, so now it was his job to cross the road.
- submitted by Keeper of Insanity


05/05/03 Archive (Highlight after 'ANSWER:' to read the punchline)

 •Where did Eowyn get all her snazzy outfits?
ANSWER: At The Gap of Rohan
- submitted by Gamgee

 •Who is the fastest Hobbit in the Shire?
ANSWER: Damfast Gamgee!!!
- submitted by Gamgee


08/01/02 Archive (Highlight after 'ANSWER:' to read the punchline)

 •What do a lemon and Curunir have in common?
ANSWER: They are both sour....man
- submitted by Gamgee

Gimli: Why did Legolas cross the road?
Frodo: I dunno, why?
Legolas: *enters the room* What did you just say about me?
Gimli: Uh oh, RUN!!!!!!!
Frodo: Hey wait, what's the answer?
Gimli: Nevermind that, just RUN!!!!!!!! *dodges as arrows fly past* *Frodo and Gimli run away across the road with Legolas chasing after them*
- submitted by Keeper of Insanity

 •What shampoo does Aragorn use?
ANSWER: Herbal Elessars
- submitted by Imrahil Grange

 •What did Pippin say as he was carried off by the Uruk-Hai?
ANSWER: Ouch! You're carrying me in an orcward position!
- submitted by 4631

 •Why did the Balrog cross the Bridge?
ANSWER: It didn't.
- submitted by Tookish

 •Why did Gandalf cross the Bridge?
ANSWER: He didn't!
- submitted by Tookish

New life cradled in death
Atop a stone of evil long since past
ANSWER: The bird’s nest on top of the Stone Troll
- submitted by Nomad

Three things of beauty beyond compare
Golden objects, rich and fair
Entombed within transparent walls
Under the earth in Dwarven halls
ANSWER: Galadriel’s hairs given to Gimli as a gift
- submitted by Nomad

Iarwain knew her long ago
Whose name nobody seems to know
Her emblem lay beneath the sky
Reminiscent of a butterfly —
ANSWER: the lady who owned the butterfly brooch from the barrow
- submitted by Nomad

Rounded with the shade of pitch
It lies at end of path
A waypoint set by him who stands
Upon the Argonath
ANSWER: The Stone of Erech
- submitted by Nomad

Gold above and gold below
With silver in between
But only when the blossoms bloom
Is this arrangement seen
ANSWER: Mallorns in the Spring in Lothlorien
- submitted by Nomad

This is a halfling's passion,
It might even be a vice
If you should try to take these
Then that halfling shan’t be nice
 
You see them in the morning where
they weren't the night before
But halflings don't ask whence they come
They simply ask for more
ANSWER: Mushrooms
- submitted by Nomad

They vanished from world it seems
Their works now brown and dead
They left their dwellings long ago
And those whom they had wed
ANSWER: The Entwives
- submitted by Nomad

Gnarled, twisted, not made of bone,
Yet still it broke upon the stone
Then down, down, down it fell
As a pebble falls into a well
ANSWER: Gandalf the Grey’s staff
- submitted by Nomad

His age is older than mortal thought
He’s seen uncounted battles fought
His strength unmatched by boldest of bold
His name though is brief, for one so old
ANSWER: Treebeard’s HILL
- submitted by Nomad


06/01/02 Archive (Highlight after 'ANSWER:' to read the punchline)

 •What was Elmer Fudd's favorite war in the Lord of the Rings?
ANSWER: The War of the Woses
- submitted by Gandalf

 •What is the Witch King's favorite fruit?
ANSWER: The Grapes of Wraith
- submitted by Gamgee

Overheard leaving the LOTR theater:
"What IS it with all the girls and this 'Legolust'?"
- submitted by VC

Qui-Gon's last words to Anakin:
"You carry the fate of us all, little one."
- submitted by VC

Scene at Gandalf's house on his 11th birthday:
"You mean they never told you, Gandalf ?"
"Told me what ?"
"You're a Wizard, Gandalf !!"
"I'm a WHAT ?!?"
- submitted by VC


04/01/02 Archive (Highlight after 'ANSWER:' to read the punchline)

 •How do elf-maidens keep themselves thin?
ANSWER: They use the Girdle of Melian!
- submitted by Jothar

 •Why didn't Tom Bombadil answer the phone?
ANSWER: Because the ring had no effect on him.
- submitted by Imrahil Grange

 •Why couldn't Balin keep the evil forces out of Moria?
ANSWER: Because the Fundin had gone.
- submitted by Imrahil Grange

 •What did the French caddy say to Luthien about her father?
ANSWER: You're dad's Fin-golfin'
- submitted by Imrahil Grange

 •What do hobbit lawyers eat?
ANSWER: Messy grub, grub in burrows.
- submitted by Imrahil Grange


02/01/02 Archive (Highlight after 'ANSWER:' to read the punchline)

 •What is Sauron's favourite food?
ANSWER: Eye-scream!!
- submitted by JT

 •What is Ben Folds Five favourite song about Thorin, after Bilbo gave away the Arkenstone?
ANSWER: One angry dwarf and 200 solemn faces?
- submitted by CS

 •How do Orc’s greet each other?
ANSWER: With an Uruk Hai five.
- submitted by Hahk Patui, Orc Minstrel

 •What do hikers and High Elves have in common?
ANSWER: They both live on Tuna.
- submitted by jothar

 •What do you call a elf with no legs?
ANSWER: leg-o-less
- submitted by CD

 •What do you call a elf with out any toys
ANSWER: leggo-less
- submitted by CD

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Luthien?
Luthien who?
Luthien the thky with diamondth!
- submitted by jothar

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Melkor.
Melkor who?
Melkor orange juice, sir?
- submitted by jothar


10/01/01 Archive (Highlight after 'ANSWER:' to read the punchline)

 •How many hobbits does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ANSWER: Four, one to screw it in but 3 more to get him to Socket Doom.
- submitted by EJII

 •How many hobbits does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ANSWER: Hobbits? Using LIGHT BULBS??!! The sacrilege! This is supposed to be a peaceful nontechnological agrarian society! You can just BET this is something Sharky introduced, mutter mutter…
- submitted by CO

 •What did Melkor said to Sauron when he was taken into captivity by the Valar?
ANSWER: "Keep an eye on Middle-earth!"
- submitted by IP

 •What's the difference between a goblin and a hobgoblin?
ANSWER: Hobgoblins have furry feet
- submitted by AV

 •What's the gooey stuff between a balrog's toes?
ANSWER: Slow orcs
- submitted by SL

 •Why are hobbit doors round?
ANSWER: If you ate 9 meals a day you'd want round doors too!
- submitted by SL

 •How many Tolkien purists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ANSWER: None -- the lightbulb was not in the book!
- submitted by DLL

 •What's Gandalf the White's computer password?
ANSWER: IHateSharky, DieBalrogDie, DamnTheHobbits, SauronHasPinkEye
- submitted by Yaksha

 •Who is Frodos favourite musician?
ANSWER: Sting
- submitted by MK

 •What did Sauron say before he died?
ANSWER: Gandalf, I am your Father!
- submitted by Amil1014

 •Why did the Balrog cross the road?
ANSWER: Well, no one knows if the Balrog actually crossed the road or not — the "road" might have been metaphorical, Tolkien was very unclear!
- submitted by CT

 •How many hobbits does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ANSWER: Well, it takes twenty because:
Three to find a ladder that reaches up to the sky
Seven to find a lightbulb in the dark halls of stone
Nine to steady the ladder so the one on top doesn't die
One to install the lightbulb, on the ladder, all alone
In a land called The Shire, where very few shadows lie.

- submitted by DurinsBane101

 •Why did the asthmatic dwarf leave the Lonely Mountain?
ANSWER: Because the Smaug got bad

 •What stock did Sauron put all of his money into?
ANSWER: Visine... It Gets The Red Out.

 •How do you drown Gollum?
ANSWER: Tell him there's a fish scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a murky pool.

 •How do you know an Elf is calling you?
ANSWER: Three Rings

 •What do you get when you cross an Elf with a Scientologist?
ANSWER: Elrond Hubbard

 •Merry and Pippin went to another Entmoot, they sat down and listened for a little while. After about 3 scorching hot days, they were out of water! So they went looking for a nearby stream, after about 4 hours of searching they went back to the Moot. Where all the Ents stood silently, not speaking or moving. Merry ran closer and yelled for Pippin to look at an Ent pippin walked up to one where the looked like a dead tree. Why or how did this happen?
ANSWER: They were not watered!
- submitted by ShadyJT

A hobbit comes home from a day of relaxing in the bar, when he sees that his wife is standing on a ladder, painting the ceiling.
He looks at her and sees that she spoils lots of paint on the floor.
"Shouldn't you put a paper underneath the ladder?" he says.
And she answers: "No, it's ok, I can reach it."
-submitted by TS

An orc, a hobbit, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar.
The bartender says "what is this, some kind of a joke?"
-submitted by Ticklers’ Regular Burma

HELP WANTED
>An experienced treasure guard needed.
Call Smaug the Magnificent,
The Lonely Mountain, ME.
No Dwarves or Burglars accepted.

So, anyway, a wizard, an elf, and an orc walk into a bar. And the orc
says to the wizard, "Gimbatul thrakatuluk burzum-ishi!!" Then the elf
says, "Si man i yulma nin enquantuva?!" And then, the wizard says,
"That's no thrakatuluk, that's my wife!!"
-submitted by AH

(a la Johnny Carson's Carmac the Magnificent, where the answer is given
first):
Answer: Shelob
Question: How did Venus Williams win Wimbledon?

Elf #1: "Did you see Treebeard standing still during the entire party?"
Elf #2: "Yes, he made quite an ent-trance."

Some lembas walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer!", and the bartender looks at the lembas and says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
-submitted by AH

Question: Gimli: How do you circumcise Ulmo?
Answer: Legolas: Send down four skin divers.

Question: Gimli: What do you get if you walk under the Kine of Araw?
Answer: Legolas: A pat on the head.
-submitted by CR

Question: Bilbo: Why was the were-bear so grumpy this morning?
Answer: Thorin: Oh, it's not his fault, he was just "Beorn" that way!
-submitted by SF

Sam Gamgee walks up to Barliman leading Bill the pony. Barliman says, "Where did you get that?" Bill says, "I won it at the county fair."
-submitted by JM

Taking a page from another "crazy, old wizard", Gandalf assures the Nazgul that "these aren't the hobbits they're looking for" with a slight wave of his hand.
-submitted by EM

There was once a dwarf who wished to ask the king of the dwarves for the hand of his daughter in marriage. The big day arrived, and he went off to see the king. He came back from the interview looking very depressed and down in the mouth. One of his friends asked him how things went, but all he would say was...

"I got Dissed."
-submitted by JG

Riddle me this...
If Niccorette exsisted in the time of Middle Earth, would Gandalf be able to kick the
hobbit?
-submitted by SLJ


09/01/01 Archive (Highlight after 'ANSWER:' to read the punchline)

 •What did Pippin do when he got drunk?
ANSWER: He began to feel Merry
- submitted by CR

 •What did Gimli say when Rosie tugged his beard?
ANSWER: Lego-las!
- submitted by CR

 •How did the hobbit ruin the boxing match?
ANSWER: He tried to destroy the ring
- submitted by CR

 •Why did Treebeard buy brown shoe polish?
ANSWER: His roots were getting gray
- submitted by LW

 •Why did the Balrog cross the bridge?
ANSWER: To get to the other- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
- submitted by DLL

 •Math Question
If the nine riders are traveling at 13 mph south from Amon Hen to Isengard, and Gandalf is speeding at terminal velocity down the pit to his doom, meanwhile the remaining 8 walkers are dancing the "Macarana" in Lothlorien.....which one of these characters won't be played by Liv Tyler?
- Submitted by SomeGuy

 •Did you hear about the lactose-intolerant Uruk-hai who wouldn't drink an orange whip?
He knew that "Where there's a whip, there's a whey."
- Submitted by CEB

 • Did you hear about the Sauron Trucking Company?
They have a total of 20 rigs(AKA trucks or lorries).

9 rigs for Chicken Hens, doomed to fry,
7 for quarry Loads, made for hauling stone,
3 for fresh baked bread loaves, made with rye,
and One Rig for the Big Boss with a built in throne,
on the road to New Jersey where the odors lie.

One rig to rule the road,
One rig that's really fine,
One rig with a double wide bed,
and hauling two trailers behind,
On the road to New Jersey where the odors lie.

- Submitted by SB

 • Sam, "Farmer Maggot, how did you get your produce through the Old Forest so fast?  My wheelbarrow could never move like that!"
Farmer Maggot, "Unlike you, I saw the barrow-wright!"
- Submitted by CR


08/01/01 Archive

 • What did the Dragons say to the Dwarven Rings before they were destroyed?
ANSWER: You ARE the weakest Ring... Good Bye!
- submitted by Walls_of_Jericho

07/01/01 Archive

 • Why did Gollum cross the road?
ANSWER: Cause his ‘precioussssss’ was stuck in the chicken!

06/01/01 Archive

 • Why Sauron wasn't able to conquer the Middle-Earth?
ANSWER: Because he was able to count to nine only, as he lost one finger!
 • Why do dwarves live in the Lonely Mountain?
ANSWER: They didn't want any mountain to be lonely.
 • Why weren't hobbits affected so badly by the One Ring?
ANSWER: Well would you like to conquer the world with FOOD?!?
 • Why did the Elves leave Middle-earth?
ANSWER: It was like choosing between heaven and living in a hobbit hole.

05/01/01 Archive

 • Who is Frodo's favorite singer?
ANSWER: Elvish Presley
 • Who is Middle Earth's most popular cult leader?
ANSWER: Elrond Hubbard, founder of Saurontology
 • What is Saruman's favorite musical?
ANSWER: Orclahama
 • What are Gandalf's favorite Britcoms?
ANSWER: Fawlty Smials, French & Sauron, Blackbaggins
 • What's another name for the "Works Cited" portion of Middle-earth Term papers?
ANSWER: Bilbography

03/01/01 Archive

 • Who is Saruman's favorite lounge singer?
ANSWER: Perry Curomo
 • What is the Witch King's Favorite meal?
ANSWER: Chili Con Carn-Dum
 • What did Smeagol Say when Sam stepped on his foot?
ANSWER: Ouchessssssss
 • How does Gandalf like his Pepsi?
ANSWER: Incanus
 • What is the favorite children’s book in the shire?
ANSWER: Green Eggs and Cram

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