Emblazoned above the gate: "Abandon all disposable income, ye who enter here."

* * * * *

Let us wind back the clock to, oh say, late April of this year. Certainly you remember the unprecedented hype that surrounded Episode One: The Phantom Menace? All the local news channels were interviewing people in line outside of Mann’s Chinese Theatre (myself being one of them), people rushing Toys ‘R’ Us at 3:00 AM to secure some pre-release action figures, the cover of Time, Newsweek (and yes, Popular Mechanics). Remember the Jedi Knight posters and little C-3PO coffee mugs?

No one was immune. None of you could hide from it. Every bookseller, record store, 7-Eleven, and Taco Bell was saturated. Every shopping mall across the country was awash with countless toys, confections, and do-dads. Even the Pygmy tribes in the secluded Amazonian jungle had little Darth Maul T-shirts. Especially here in L.A. I bore witness to the growing frenzy as special marketing campaigns were executed throughout Hollywood. Banners, billboards, and signs, oh my! It’s an Industry Town, after all.

Well, it’s all going to happen again… this time with The Lord of the Rings.

When Peter Jackson’s first installment, The Fellowship of the Ring, is released in 2001 something will happen that you Tolkien fans have never seen before. Mark my words, it will come upon you like a huge, unstoppable wave. It is the powerful tide of COMMERCE; and you can swim with it if you like, because struggling against it is quite pointless.

Sure, there was Ralph Bakshi’s 1978 adaptation of LOTR, but come on… It was so poorly received it didn’t make a dent. What limited merchandising there was has now become a heyday for people holding auctions on eBay. I recall there was a handful of action figures, a nice calendar, and one exceptional board game from Milton Bradley (still my all time fave). That’s about it.

New Line Cinema will undoubtedly give the upcoming releases the Star Wars treatment. And I certainly don’t blame them! It will be an entertainment juggernaut that Hollywood execs glibly refer to as "Instant franchise." Prepare yourselves for the hype, the glory, and more merchandise than you ever knew could be. You see, merchandisers are very smart people, and likewise Saul Zaentz, who holds all licenses for products related to Tolkien’s work.

Here are my predictions for products we will see related to the new films. They’re coming, for better or for worse:

• Gollum Toothpaste–helps to keep your kids’ teeth shiny clean, even if "we only has six."
• Twirling Ringwraith Lollypops–the little battery operated kind with a handle shaped like a Nazgûl. Follow one of these with a generous brushing of Gollum Toothpaste.
• Shadowfax Pony Food–for all you equestrians who want your pony to grow up big and strong.
• Samwise’s Gardening Kit–this is inevitable. A spade, nutrient-rich soil, and some ch-ch-ch-chia seeds conveniently packaged and sold at drug stores.
• LOTR Multi-vitamins–tart and colorful with 100% Daily Value of vitamins & minerals. Kids love biting the head off Aragorn.
• Happy Orthanc Playset–plastic construction toy for pre-schoolers to build their own Orc stronghold. Sold in conjunction with:
• Hasty Ents Playset–for the pre-schooler who wants to see his trees win the day! The ultimate environmental message for you kids.
• Gandalf in Moria Coin Bank–plastic figure of Gandalf standing next to a deep "coin well." Every time you drop in a quarter, the voice chip yells out "Fool of a Took!"
• Butterbur’s Fax Service–when you absolutely need that letter sent RIGHT AWAY.
• LOTR Breakfast Cereal–crunchy Rings of toasted corn with little marshmallows shaped like Morgul Knives.
• Grey Havens Beach Towel–sunbathing by the shore? Don’t forget your Cirdan Sunscreen!
• Phial of Galadriel Nightlight–plug it in and your child’s room is immersed in glowing elf-light. Chases all the unpleasant bug-a-boos away.
• Shelob Roach Traps–rid your home of ants, roaches, and flies. Better than spinning your own web.
• Lórien Lembas–tasty health food bars sold at gyms & fitness clubs. Dairy-free, low carbs, and high protein for those long jaunts on the Stairmaster.
• Pippin’s Palantír–works just like a Magic 8-Ball, only it doesn’t take over your mind.
• Wormtongue Shoe Polish–In honor of the best boot-licker in Middle-earth.

I have seen the future. All these things are coming; as are the Happy Meals, bumper stickers, and special edition VISA cards. As long as you have money to spend, merchandisers will have something to sell you. You’ve been warned.

Much too hasty,

Quickbeam