1. What if LotR were more manly?

• Sam destroys the ring by pulling Gollum's finger
• Lembas replaced with Hot Pockets
• Xenarwen!!!
• No Crickhollow bath scene. No baths ever.
• Aragorn and Boromir in a Gimli the Dwarf tossing contest
• Xenagaladrial!!!!!
• Stone Cold Steve Austin as Gandalf
• Treebeard threatens to 'open up a can of whup-ass on Saruman
• Lots of scratching
• Merry and Pippin replaced with Miss October and Miss July
• Xeneowyn!!!!
• Gandalf and Saruman settle their dispute by going 'punch for punch'
• Lothlorien replaced by Home Depot

• Rivendell is the Playboy mansion, Hugh Hefner as Elrond

2. What if LotR were more womanly?

• Aragorn played by Daniel Day-Lewis, Boromir by Rufus Sewell, Frodo and Sam by Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson (C'mon, they ARE short!)
• Extended scene where Galadriel and Sam(antha) exchange gardening tips and recipes for lembas
• "Party" scene at Rivendell where the Fellowship sing and conga along to "Coconut," then collapse laughing on floor, where they while away the night with tales of childhood and long-lost love
• Gollum confronts Frodo at the Cracks of Doom by slapping him and bringing him back to his senses. The two hug, then throw the Ring in the fire together.
• Aragorn's chief weapon is a really cutting remark
• EVERYBODY cries when Boromir dies

• Gollum and Frodo are in a big, old Cadillac, and they drive off the edge of Orodruin.

• Parth Galen "bathing" scene with Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas