PROLOGUE

Voice: Long ago, there were forged the Scripts of Power…Three to the Elves, immortal, fairest and wisest of the Races...good in supporting roles, too…Seven to the Dwarves, who TOTALLY ROCK with SFX…

And nine, nine to the Race of Men, who above all else desire starring roles…*cough*Viggo Mortensen*cough*

Voice 2: How come no Scripts were given to the Hobbits? Eh?

Voice 1: Shut up, Merry, I'm trying to talk here.

But they were all deceived.

For there was another…

Voice 2(Merry): Was it given to the Hobbits? Hmm?

Voice 1: No!!! Moving along…

In the dark country of Hollywood, Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh, and Phillipa Boyens forged a Script, and into it, they poured their budget, a contract, an original text by J.R.R Tolkien, and their will to dominate the Academy Award for three straight years…

One Script to Rule Them All…

And one by one, the critics of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Script…

But there were some…who resisted.

There was formed a Last Picket Line of Elves and Men and the Occasional Dwarf--

Voice 2(Merry): And Hobbits?

Voice 1: No! So…

And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the Unionization of Middle-Earth.

Elrond: (at the head of troops) Are we ready? One…Two…(approaching Orc lines are shot down by stray pickets)…Three…GO!!!

(A line of Men cuts down the first Orc line, slicing picket signs systematically)

Elrond: That's right! More pay or we won't stay! More pay or we won't stay! We Elves don't have to stick around and shoot Jackson's--

Voice 2: Michael? Cool! Thriller!

Voice 1: No, silly; Peter. Now hush!

Elrond: (continues) –motion picture trilogy! We can just sail into the West! More pay or we won't stay! Sing it 'til the Oliphaunts come home!

But the power of the Script...could not be undone.

(Sauron appears--Script and Ring in hand)

Sauron: (waves Script) Ha! Script says…DIE!!!

(Soldiers read the Script revealing their death; groan, and shoot off into the air screaming)

But when all hope seemed lost…

(Elendil slammed against wall; Isildur comes to his side--then Sauron appears)

Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword.

Sauron: (waving Script) DIE!!! NOW!!!

Isildur: Um...No. By the way, you're standing on a sword. Lemme take it.

(Isildur grabs sword; hilt-shard breaks off)

Sauron: Darn, I broke it. Oops. NOW DIE!!!

Isildur: Did you even read the Script?

Sauron: Yes, and I'm the big baddie--NOW DIE!!! DIE!!!

Isildur: Um…No. See…(waves the hilt-shard of Narsil maniacally)

Sauron: Hey watch it now! You'll put an eye out!

Isildur: No! My Sword!

Sauron: Dratted young'uns! Now be careful, this is a new cloak with matching boots!

Isildur: Huh? Whatever. I'll be careful, geezer.

Sauron: OWOWOWOW! I told you that you'd put an eye out!

Isildur: (still waving Sword) What now?!

Sauron: My eye! You cut it out, and wow, it's gone and landed on that tower I built way back when.

Isildur: The Trump Tower?

Sauron: No; the other one. Barad-dur. Now it's started getting bigger…Whoa, it's hideous, I should've gone easy on the mascara…and now it's lidless, wreathed in flowers--

Isildur: Flames.

Sauron: Huh?

Isildur: You said "wreathed in flowers", but the Script says, "wreathed in flames".

Sauron: Oh.

(The "Eye" is suddenly wreathed in flames instead of flowers--Sauron sighs)

There goes my blue ribbon garden…

Isildur: Yeah, well that piece of you will survive this next bit.

Sauron: Are you threatening me?

Isildur: Quite possibly. See, you have to turn the Eye "on" to get it all…creepy…

Sauron: Your point…?

Isildur: My Sword. See?

Sauron: I think:

Isildur: But not as well with one Eye, I bet. Anyway, you need to turn the Eye "on", but you can't now, but you'll return to do it in a few millennia.

Sauron: How do you know this?

Isildur: Script.

Sauron: Oh. Is this gonna cost me to turn it "on"?

Isildur: It's like those cruddy binocular sets on stands. Y'know, the ones tourists use, but it eats up their money? Fifty cents, too: nothing's free anymore.

Sauron: I'll borrow it off Saruman later.

Elendil: (waking) Isildur, how many times do I have to tell you, no playing with sharp objects like hilt-shards! You don't know where that Sword has been!

Isildur: It's yours, Dad.

Elendil: Well, how do you know I've washed my hands? Eh?

Isildur: (to Sauron) Family's always embarrassing, ain't it? And…No offense, Dad, but 'ccording to the Script, you die now.

Elendil: (snaps his fingers) Golly gosh darn it! (dies)

Isildur: You, too, Sauron.

Sauron: Man, just when we were getting all chummy…

Gil-Galad: Don't I get to be in this movie, too?

Isildur: No.

Gil-Galad: (snaps his fingers) Golly gosh darn it! (dies)

(Sauron then explodes in an explosive explosion of explosive SFX explosives)

Isildur: Ha! Now the Ring is mine! (hesitates) But wait…what if Sauron had a will?

And Isildur had this one chance to destroy all evil…

Peter Jackson (PJ): Just sign on the dotted line!

Isildur: (holding pen) Hokely dokely!

But he screwed it up.

(Cut to: Isildur riding with line of men, Ring on chain around his neck)

Isildur: Look! Orcs! Fight, men, fight!

Men: Nah.

Isildur: Darn it! Curse ye, Hollywood, thou hast tricked me…Script of deeeea--(attacked by Orcs, dies)

(Ring floats down Great River)

And slowly…the tale faded to rumor, rumor into legend, legend into tabloid stories, and tabloid into a NOVA special on the legend aired by PBS…

Until it was found by the creature Gollum, who fled with it into the Misty Mountains…But the Ring abandoned Gollum…

(Ring clinks around on rocks)

Apparently it wanted alimony payments…

Yet then something happened the Ring did not perceive…(most likely a faulty fortune cookie)…It was found by a Hobbit…

Voice 2: YES! YES! A HOBBIT, FINALLY!!!

Bilbo: What's this?

Bilbo Baggins of the Shire…

Bilbo: A Ring! And a Script, too! Hmm…It says, "Wail: Preeeecious!"

Wail: Preeeecious!

Bilbo: Right-ho! I suppose I'll take this…

(Cut to: The Shire, 60 years later)

This is a story. A tale of how nine guys, a camera crew, some good armies, and some evil armies, can stop acting nice, and start acting REAL. This is…the Not-So-Real-World.

(shuffling off-screen)

My name is Peter Jackson.

(more shuffling)

And this is the story of how…

(shuffling stops)

We shot The Lord of the Rings. It was hard, especially on our budget, but we did it. We transported me, a camera, and a film crew into Tolkien's middle-earth. We had some mishaps, like the "pregnant chads" in Miami-Dade, and the ending of humanity 50 years ahead of schedule (an ACCIDENT!), but we crossed multiple dimensions to here. Now we can film the trilogy, with almost semi-good actin', by following the Fellowship, as the journey through the world like pathetic little ants, with a camera.

(Numbers come on screen; beeps like in old movies)

3…

2…

1…

ACTION!

Day 1 Diary

PJ: I'm just getting ready for the Hobbiton shots. Good day.

Scene 1, Take 1 (Beep!) Shire-Road, Hobbiton

Gandalf: Hum-drum…This looks like a job for me, so everybody here just follow me…

Scene 1, Take 2(Beep!)

Frodo: (appearing) You're late!

Gandalf: (stops cart) A wizard is never late…Nor does he arrive early. He arrives precisely when he--say, what's that big black thing?

Frodo: Gandalf, that's a camera!

Gandalf: It looks like the work of the Dark Lord! There is great evil afoot!

PJ: (smacks forehead) CUT!!!

Scene 1, Take 3 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Hum-drum…Whoa…Oops, eeeek!

(Gandalf and cart tip--then fall over)

Gandalf: Aaaaaah!

(Fireworks explode)

(Camera swivels wildly)

(Snow on screen…fuzzy)

Scene 1, Take 4 (Beep!)

Frodo: Tell me of the outside world! Tell me everything!

Gandalf: Everything?? Well, what can I say, there's another Bush in office…stuff in Iraq, too…

PJ: Cut. Just cut. (sighs) I'm starting to see a real downside to this…

Scene 1, Take 327 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Something I am glad of…

Frodo: Gandalf, yes, we finished the scene!

Gandalf: You fool of a Baggins! We still have two lines!

PJ: Somebody shoot me…

Scene 3, Take 1 (Beep!)

Bilbo: No thank you! We don't need any well-wishers, old relations, salesmen, or otherwise!

Gandalf: And what about old friends?

Bilbo: (opens door) Gandalf?! Gandalf, old friend, can't you read?! It says NO ADMITTANCE!

Scene 3, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf: (to Bilbo) You haven't aged a day…Been usin' those Alpha Hydroxy creams, eh?

Scene 4, Take 1 (Beep!) Bag End

Bilbo: I can make you some eggs, if you'd like…

Gandalf: (back turned, face in Bilbo's food pantry, stuff face and cloak with food) What? Just tea, thank you…Ooh, muffins!

Day 1 Diary

PJ: Finally finish Bag End scenes. Bilbo's party, soon.

Scene 6, Take 1 (Beep!)

Bilbo: Gandalf, old friend, this will be a night to remember.

Gandalf: Well, I still say the Elves throw better 'raves'…

PJ: CUT, GANDALF, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMOKING?!?!?!?!

Gandalf: Southfarthing Leaf, old friend…Best in the Shire!

Scene 8, Take 1 (Beep!) Party

Frodo: C'mon, Sam, ask Rosie for a dance!

Sam: I think I'll have another ale..

Frodo: No, you won't! (pushes Sam)

Sam: Yes I will! (pushes Frodo hard)

(Frodo gets up and punches Sam in face)

(Fists fly)

Bilbo: CATFIGHT! (jumps in pig-pile)

Scene 9, Take 1 (Beep!) Party Tent

Merry: No, no…the BIG one, yes…

(Merry and Pippin run in tent with firework; affix it loosely in ground)

Merry: All right! Er…Put it in the ground!

Pippin: It is in the ground! (pushes firework at Merry)

Merry: Well, I don't want it! (pushes it at Pip)

Pippin: Well, I--AAAH!

(Firework shoots up with Pippin)

(It comes down in a fireball)

Pippin: That's it! I QUIT!

(His hair is still on fire)

Scene 11, Take 1 (Beep!) Party-Tree

Bilbo: And…well…BYE!

(Bilbo attempts to jump from stand to under a table quickly)

Odo Proudfoot: Whadja do THAT for?

PJ: Bilbo, you were supposed to put on the Ring and disappear!

Bilbo: I know, but just going 'poof' gave me the heebie-jeebies!

Scene 11, Take2 (Beep!)

Bilbo: (muttering to self) Yes.. I've put this off long enough…THIS IS THE END! I'M GOING TO VEGAS! GOOD-BYE!

Scene 13, Take 1 (Beep!) Bag End

Gandalf: (appearing) I suppose you thought that was terribly funny. A real Seinfeld, you are!

Scene 13, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf: BILBO BAGGINS! I am not trying to rob you…Well, actually, I did rob you…Some crystal candlesticks…and some of those jools… a couple of bagels--

PJ: Gandalf, can we confess SOME OTHER TIME?!?!?!?!

Scene 14, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Bilbo…The Ring is still in your pocket…

Bilbo: (shakes hips) Why don't you come and get it, big boy?

PJ: Oh…my…God.

Scene 16, Take 1 (Beep!)

Frodo: (coming in) He's gone, hasn't he?

Gandalf: (muttering) Riddles in the dark…Oh, yes…He's finally gone to Vegas.

Scene 17, Take 1 (Beep!)

Frodo: Where are you going?

Gandalf: To the bank, m'lad, then on to Vegas!

Frodo: But you've only just arrived!

Gandalf: Well, when you're hot, you're hot!

Day 3, Scene 19, Take 1 (Beep!) Minas Tirith

Gandalf: (reading the Scroll of Isildur) Hmmm…Whoops! (spills coffee)

(Coffee soaks through scroll)

Gandalf: Uh-oh…

Day, 4 Scene 20, Take 1 (Beep!) Bag End

(Frodo walks in--finds place in a mess)

Frodo: Damn! Sam must've come for a "just a cup of sugar, Mister!" again!

Sam: (outside window) Nope, just taters this time!

Scene 21, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: What does it say?

Frodo: Nothing…Wait…There are markings…But it's all Greek to me…

Gandalf: Try Elvish, dimwit.

Scene 22, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: This is the One Ring of Power.

Frodo: Cool! Is there a reward?

Gandalf: For finding it? Of course; thirty bucks! Let's go!

Scene 22, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf: I searched everywhere for the creature Gollum…What they did to him until he told them what they wanted, I do not know…

(Cut to: Tortures chambers of Barad-dur)

Gollum: Shire! Baggins!

Orc: (halting the torture contraptions) That's not what we want! The cable router at Lorhlorien is broken--The Dark Lord wants to know when it'll be fixed! …You are the cable guy, right?

Scene 23, Take 1 (Beep!)

Sam: Don't turn me into anything… unnatural!

Gandalf: "Unnatural", eh? Now that you mention it…Frodo could use a pony to ride…

Day 6, Scene 26, Take 1 (Beep!) Isengard

Saruman: Smoke rises from the East, and the cable guy--

Gandalf: (riding up to door) I'm no cable guy!

Saruman: What? Damn! The router at Lorien's been busted for the past 65 years…I thought you'd come and fix it…

Scene 26, Take 2 (Beep!) Orthanc Gardens

Saruman: Your love for the halfling's leaf has obviously slowed your mind.

Gandalf: Well…Their drugs 'n' beer take their toll too…(becomes glassy-eyed) Just call me…the Big G! (faints)

Scene 26, Take 3 (Beep!)

Saruman: Time? What time do we have?

Gandalf: Hmm, well, my watch says 3:25 in the afternoon…

PJ: Stop it, Gandalf. I'll take that watch away, you know I will.

Scene 26, Take 4 (Beep!) Inside Orthanc

Saruman: His gaze pieces earth, mind, and flesh…

Gandalf: I always knew that Sauron had problems. Weirdo. Staring at people like that…

Scene 27, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Saruman, a palantíri is a dangerous object!

Saruman: Why not? Why can't we use it, if we know how?

Gandalf: We do not know who else may be watching! (covers Stone--Eye flashes)

Gandalf: Ooh, pretty!

(Gandalf covers and uncovers the Stone)

Scene 27, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Don't ya have anything better to do?

Saruman: Well, y'know, the cable's out, and Ernie the Balrog keeps sending me his stupid joke e-mails…What can I do?

Scene 27, Take 3 (Beep!) That big Tower place

Saruman: They will find it…And kill the one who carries it.

Gandalf: Cool, ya think I'll get Frodo's stuff?

Scene 27, Take 4 (Beep!)

(Gandalf and Saruman fight)

Saruman: I gave you the choice of power…But you…have elected…the way of…PAIN!

(Gandalf shoots up)

Gandalf: RAISE THE ROOF! RAISE THE ROOF OF ORTHANC!!!

Scene 27, Take 5 (Beep!)

(Gandalf spins as he rises)

Gandalf: I'M…GETTING…DIZZY!!!

Saruman: Need a barf bag? BWAHAHAHA!

Day 6 Diary

PJ: Well, our budget is dying, so we're gonna mash some scenes together (in shooting, of course: Don't wanna be attacked by purists!) Scenes 28, 29, 30, and 31, will be shot together, and edited into different sections of the movie (like a normal film). We should shoot it in real-time, but this is just enough cheapness to scrape by.

Scene 28, Take 1 (Beep!) Outside Orthanc

Saruman: Cut them down! Cut all the trees down!

Orc: The roots are strong, m'lord…

Saruman: All right, leave that tree up…I'll put a tire swing on it…Always wanted a tire swing…

PJ: Saruman, can we talk about your troubled childhood later? Huh?

Saruman: Okay…

(Cut to: PJ Saruman on couch and PJ in psychiatrist's chair)

(PJ sighs)

Day 7, Scene 29, Take 1 (Beep!) Roof of Orthanc

(Moth floats up over Isengard to roof of Orthanc)

Gandalf: Ew! A bug! (swats at it)

Scene 29, Take 2 (Beep!)

(Camera turns away from moth and Gandalf)

(Camera glides downside of Orthanc)

(Camera hits an outcropping)

Cameraman: AAAAAAAAAHHH!

(Camera swivels as it falls)

(Thud)

(Snow on screen…fuzzy)

Scene 29, Take 3 (Beep!)

Saruman: Mmm. An Uruk-Hai birthing.

(Uruk-hai comes out of mud)

Small Orc: Congrats! It's an…it!

Uruk-Hai: ROOOAAR! Feed me, mommy!

Saruman: Look, the deranged production of my deranged imagination called me mommy…Cute…

Day 8, Scene 30, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: (to Saruman) There is only one Lord of the Ring, Saruman…Only one. And he does not share power, the selfish bleeper!

Scene 29, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf: And he does not share…power!

(Gandalf runs to the edge of roof and jumps toward the Eagle, Gwahir)

Gandalf: (misses Gwahir's back) AIEEEEE!

Saruman: So you have chosen…death. But I didn't think it'd be that quick!

Day 5 Diary

PJ: We shot this diary on Day 5…Before I left for Isengard with Gandalf. However, I'm sending a camera crew with the Hobbits to shoot everything (it is REAL time!)

Day 5, Scene 32, Take 1 (Beep!) Shire-Field

Sam: This is it…

Frodo: What's it, Sam?

Sam: This is the spot where I first ate taters…Oh, the memories…

Day 6, Scene 33, Take 1 (Beep!) Maggot's Farm

Frodo: We're still in the Shire, Sam…What could possibly happen?

(Merry and Pippin pop out of the grass on their side and land on Sam and Frodo)

Pippin: Look, Merry! It's Frodo Baggins! And Sam!

Sam: Get offa me! (shoves Merry off--gasps) You've been stealing from banks!

Pippin: Only a couple of bags of cash…

Scene 34, Take 1 (Beep!) Shire-Road

Sam: A shortcut to what?

Pippin: Mushrooms!

Merry: No, marijuana; let's get it!

PJ: Merry, I think we need to talk…

Scene 34, Take 4 (Beep!)

Frodo: I think we should get off the road! Now!

Merry: (glassy-eyed) Hey, I'm tryin' to take a puff here…

Scene 34, Take 3 (Beep!)

(Rider comes down the Road)

(Hobbits sit around smoking)

(Rider picks up Frodo, begins to ride away)

Frodo: AAAAAAAHH!!! GUYS, HELP!!!

(Rider rides away)

(Hobbits continue smoking)

Pippin: You say somethin', Frodo? …Frodo?

Scene 35, Take 1 (Beep!) Roadside, Shire

(Rider appears--sniffs air several times)

Rider: Man! Some Hobbit here sure does STANK!

Scene 36, Take 1 (Beep!) Woods, Shire

(Hobbits scurry down hill)

Merry: What was that?

Frodo: I…don't…know.

Sam: Ooh…Twilight Zone…doo-dee-doo-dee…

Scene 37, Take 1 (Beep!)

Merry: That Rider looked like it was looking for something…Or someone…

Frodo: (pulling out bag of white powder) Yeah, I still haven't paid for my last few "dips" of grass…heh. The Rider wants his money.

Pippin: Dude, we still have some from those "mushrooms"…

PJ: All right, I got half a mind to call the police, and the other half says get you to rehab.

Scene 39, Take 1 (Beep!)

(Rider appears and Hobbits flee)

Sam: This way, Mr. Frodo!

Frodo: Hey, I used to play High School football!

(Frodo attempts to "juke" Rider)

(Rider knocks Frodo over with sword)

Scene 39, Take 2 (Beep!)

(Pippin and Merry run ahead)

Pippin: (tries to leap fence) ACK! (trips)

Merry: Ha-ha! (points and laughs)

(Both trampled by passing Riders)

Scene 40, Take 1 (Beep!) Buckleberry Ferry

(Frodo runs down docks, pursued by Rider)

Sam: C'mon, Mr. Frodo!

(Frodo tries to jump to Ferry--misses)

Merry: I'm outta here. (steers boat away)

Frodo: Hey! (swims after)

PJ: MERRY, YOU COME BACK HERE WITH THAT BOAT! MERRY?!?!?!

Day 7, Scene 41, Take 1 (Beep!) Bree-Gate

(Hobbits scurry across Road in the rain)

Gatekeeper: (opening window) Who are you?

Frodo: Big celebs, want our autograph?

Gatekeeper: Dude! I already got Tom Cruise in my book!

Merry: I've signed your book already? Really?

Scene 41, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gatekeeper: What are you doing here?

Frodo: Our business is our own!

Pippin: Yeah, keep your BIG butt-face out of OUR beeswax!

(Cut to: PJ washing Pip's mouth with soap)

Scene 43, Take 1 (Beep!) Prancing Pony

Butterbur: I've got some nice Hobbit-sized rooms on the North side…But you, the fat Hobbit, you'll have to sleep on a man-bed; you'll break the Hobbit ones…

Sam: Hey, I'M DIETING!

Scene 43, Take 1 (Beep!)

Butterbur: What'd you say your name was?

Frodo: Underhill…or was it Bon Jovi?

Butterbur: Both sound dumb, Underhill, Bon Jovi, ha!

Scene 44, Take 1 (Beep!) Common-Room

Merry: This, friends, is a pint!

Pippin: They come in pints? I'm getting one!

Sam: No way, Pip, only water for you, you're our designated driver!

Pippin: Screw that shit! I'm getting my damn beer!

(Cut to: PJ angrily washing Pip's mouth with soap)

Scene 45, Take 1 (Beep!) Common Room

Sam: I tell ya, Mr. Frodo, that one over there's been doin' nothin' but starin' at ya the whole time!

Frodo: Well…(rubs chin) I'm hot!

Scene 46, Take 1 (Beep!) Common Room

(Frodo falls and disappears)

Merry: Where'd Frodo go I mean, I knew he was small and getting thin, but…

Scene 47, Take 1 (Beep!)

Aragorn: I can make myself unseen if I wish--

Frodo: Probably 'cuz you're so damn ugly!

Scene 47, Take 2 (Beep!) Inn--Hobbit's Room

Aragorn: Are you scared?

Frodo: Yes…

Aragorn: Well, you'll be pissin' in your pants when I'm done with you.

(Cut to: PJ furiously washing Aragorn's mouth with soap)

Scene 48, Take 1 (Beep!) Hobbit's Room

(Riders come in and rip sheets to shreds with swords)

Rider 1: Hey, guys, why are we ruining some damn good linens?

R2: Good point…I haven't slept on a bed with sheets for so long..

R3: We could use 'em!

R4: Or sell them on eBay!

PJ: ARGH!!! I HATE THEM!!!

Scene 50, Take 1 (Beep!) Man-Room

Aragorn: They are the Nazgul, the Ringwraiths…

(Hobbits sit on bed listening--all save Merry)

Merry: (rummaging through bag) He, look! Aragorn's DIARY! Let's see what it says…"I miss Arwen so much…" Ooh, Aragorn! Anyway…"Today I have made my pants fall down by pulling my sword out too fast only TWICE (Yay!)…

Aragorn: Hey, this sounds vaguely familiar…Wait a moment…It's my diary!!!

Merry: You're quick one--AAAAH!!

Aragorn: (picks Merry up, chucks him out window to Ringwraiths) You can KEEP him!

PJ: UGH! ARAGORN! (chases Ringwraiths down streets) COME BACK WITH MERRY!!!

Day 8, Scene 51, Take 1 (Beep!) The "Wild"

Aragorn: I am taking you, Master Gamgee, into the Wild…

Pippin: No Vegas? Damn!

Scene 52, Take 1 (Beep!)

Pippin: What about second breakfast? Elevenseies?

Aragorn: There are some of Arwen's magical cookies she baked for me…

Merry: Give it up, Aragorn! Sheesh!

Day 9, Scene 54, Take 1 (Beep!) Weathertop

Frodo: (waking up) What are you doing? No!

Merry: Just making some yummy bacon and sausages!

Pippin: And eggs!

Merry: And some soy burgers for Sam.

Sam: HEY! I like soy burgers, OKAY?!

Scene 54, Take 1 (Beep!)

Frodo: (stamping out fire) Oh, crap! Darn! My Gucci boots are ruined!

Scene 56, Take 1 (Beep!) Top of Weather

(Riders appear and come forward from lip of dell)

R1: (trips and falls on R2--slashes through R2's cloak by accident) Oops! Um…heh…

(R2 yells at R1; then swings sword as R3 bumps R4)

Rider-Captain: Fools! (attacks them all)

Sam: Sweet, we killed 'em.

Scene 56, Take 1 (Beep!)

(Frodo puts on Ring--disappears)

PJ: oh, shoot! Frodo, where are you? He's unconscious, how can we find him?

Day 8 Diary

PJ: We appear to have lost Frodo.

Pippin: (waves stick) Wait…I got somethin'!

Frodo: (groans "Eye…hurts") Ow! Pip, you doof!

Scene 56, Take 2 (beep!)

(Aragorn leaps from shadows and attacks Riders)

Merry: This fight will end in tears, I tell you…

Pippin: It's all fun and games until someone loses and eye and gets burned by a brand…

Scene 56, Take 1 (beep!)

Pippin: Will he die?

Aragorn: You're pretty direct, aren't ya?

Scene 57, Take 2 (beep!)

Aragorn: Sam, do you know athelas?

Sam: Athelas…?

Aragorn: Kingsfoil!

Sam: Kingsfoil…?

Aragorn: Man, you're one crappy gardener.

Scene 57, Take 3 (Beep!)

Aragorn: Sam, do you know athelas:

Sam: Athelas…?

Aragorn: Kingsfoil!

Sam: Er…it's…(looks to PJ, who is waving his arms and making signs)…Erm…A weed…

Merry: Weed! What I wouldn't give for some weed…

Scene 57, Take 4 (Beep!) Woods by Weathertop

Voice: (holding sword to Aragorn's neck) What's this…A Ranger off his guard? Tsk, tsk…NOW GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY!

Scene 58, Take 1 (beep!)

(Arwen enters; Aragorn rubs athelas on Frodo's wound)

Frodo: (groans several times) Hey…that's the stingy stuff! Ow!

Aragorn: Suck it up, Frodo!

Scene 58, Take 2 (Beep!)

Arwen: The power of my people will protect him.

Aragorn: That's all you ever talk about! Your people…What about me?!?!

Arwen: Hmm. Tell ya what, have your people talk to my people.

Scene 58, Take 3 (Beep!)

(Arwen rides off with Frodo)

Sam: You can't let her go! She hasn't told me any Elvish recipes yet!

Day 10, Scene 59, Take 1 (Beep!)The Chase to Rivendell

(Riders appear and pursue Arwen)

R1: Y'know what, guys? This is too hard!

R2: You're right! Forget this!

R3: Yeah! Sauron was cutting out wages, anyway!

R4: Well he IS giving us health insurance…

R5: Stop being such a good undead, four.

PJ: ARGH! DAMN RIDERS!

Scene 59, Take 1 (Beep!)

Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him!

R2: No, we want you, baby!

R3: Oh yeah!

Scene 59, Take 3 (Beep!)

(Water rushes down River from Ford)

R1: All right…off the set…Scene's done…Peter? Hey! The water's coming at us!

R2: Guys! Why is everyone else running away?

R3: Yeah, where are our stunt doubles for this scene?

R4: Hmm…

R5: Oh, CRAP! LOOK!

(points to Ford, still flooding, coming full force at them)

R1: AAARGH! I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THIS--(drowned in oncoming water)

R2: NOOO! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE--(drowns)

R3: (rushing his horse quickly) C'mon, we can make it! I know I can--(drowns)

R4: NOOOOOOO!!! (drowns)

(All the riders drown--except one)

Rider Captain: (still running from oncoming water--horse breathes heavily) No…Not now…Curse ye, WETA---(drowns)

PJ: (running on set) They drowned…? They drowned!

Arwen: YES! WE DID IT!

(Everyone exchanges high fives)

Day 10 Diary

PJ: Well, we're back. We got rid of some worthy undead **coughRiderscough** and new ones should be "flown" (wink, wink) in soon. Rivendell is set up, and Bilbo is currently being hauled away (kicking and screaming, I hear) from Vegas so we can do the scenes.

Scene 59, Take 4 (beep!)

Arwen: No, Frodo! Don't give in…Not now…

(Arwen holds Frodo close)

Aragorn: (appearing) Oh, Arwen, why do you torture me so?

Day 11, Scene 60, Take 1 (Beep!) Straying from thought & time

(focus zooms in and out--faces appear and fade)

Frodo: (thinking) Whoa…Now I KNOW I had too much to drink at the Prancing Pony…

Day 12, Scene 60, Take 2 (Beep!) Rivendell

Voice: It is October the 24th, 10 in the morning…

Frodo: Gandalf! Why didn't you meet us at the inn?

Gandalf: I got…delayed. Y'know the deal. Vegas. Passports. Recording studios…That stuff.

Scene 60, Take 3 (Beep!)

Sam: Mr. Frodo! (runs in)

Gandalf: Sam, here, has hardly left your side…

Sam: Well, that was just to stay away from the great food they got here…With the diet an' all…

Scene 61, Take 1 (Beep!) Rivendell Balcony

Merry and Pippin: Frodo!

(Hobbits gather: big hug)

Sam: Me too! (jumps into others)

(Frodo, being knocked by Sam, falls over balcony)

(Splash as Frodo hits the water hundreds of feet below)

Frodo" (shouting up) I'm…okay!

Scene 61, Take 2 (Beep!)

Bilbo: Frodo, m'lad!

Frodo: Hmph!

Bilbo: Frodo…? What is it?

Frodo: Your will! You gave away ALL that stuff! What about ME?! I only got Bag End! What about your stocks, or bonds, your whole damn portfolio!

Bilbo: In Pets.com? Eh? It's a recession, dammit! And plus…Gandalf stole all my other stuff…Dirty bastard…Thinks I don't know…

Scene 62, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: We can ask no more of him--

Elrond: Sure we can! Just go, "Frodo, take the damn Ring to Mt. Doom in the desolation of Mordor!" Or toss it to him, and then shout at Frodo, "No backsies!"

Scene 62, Take 2 (Beep!)

Elrond: Men? Men are weak…Dumb, too! Sheesh. Oh, and they smell! Bunch of losers…

Scene 62, Take 3 (Beep!) Flashback--Mt. Doom

Elrond: Cast it in the flame, Isildur!

Isildur: (grins) No…

Elrond: Isildur! Why you li'l--(pushes Isildur into the Flame)

PJ: Oh, great, now we need a new Isildur!

Scene 62, Take 4 (Beep!)

Gandalf: There is one who could lead them…

Elrond: Aragorn? Pssh! He's a wuss. And If I catch him making out with Arwen again…

Scene 63, Take 1 (Beep!) Shrine of Narsil

(Aragorn looks up to Boromir)

(Boromir drops Sword and walks away)

Aragorn: That's right, punk! You betta not mess with the heir of Isildur!

Scene 63, Take 2 (Beep!)

Boromir: Ow…A sword cut!

PJ: Aw…Does widdle Boromir have a boo-boo?

Scene 63, Take 3 (Beep!)

Arwen: Why do you fear the past? You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself.

Aragorn: Doesn't matter…The past is full of bad credit, for him, and for me…I gotta stop buying these designer rags…

Scene 64, Take 1 (Beep!) Outside Rivendell

Arwen: You did not bear the troubles you do now. Do you remember what I said?

Aragorn: Er…You said…Er…Something…

Arwen: (slaps him across the face) You don't remember!

Aragorn: Hey, it's not that important…

Scene 64, Take 2 (Beep!)

Arwen: And to that I hold…I choose a mortal life--ah, whoa!

(Arwen screams as she slips, then falls from the tiny bridge)

Aragorn: Ironic how she goes and dies when she became mortal. And I was just starting to like her, too.

(A duck wanders on scene)

Duck: Aflac!

Aragorn: Supplemental insurance? Yeah…Arwen should've gotten it…Hurt on the job like that…Hell, maybe I'd have received some life insurance for her if she got that, too…But, no, I'm immortal, what do I need life insurance for?

PJ: WHO WANTS DUCK SOPUP?!?!?!

Duck: Aflac? AFLAC!!!

Day 12 Diary

PJ: Well, soon we are to come upon the scene for the Council of Elrond, which is VERY important…But first, before we do so, we must clear up a small problem between Elrond, Arwen, and Aragorn…

Walk with me. Talk with me.

(PJ walks through lot, comes upon trailer)

PJ: (about to knock at trailer door) This is Elrond's trailer--

(Shouts suddenly erupt from trailer)

Voice (Elrond): No, Arwen, how many times do I have to tell you that you cannot go on a date with Aragorn!!!

Voice 2 (Arwen): When can I, then? When I'm 3000?

Elrond: 3000? Sounds reasonable…No Aragorn by then…

Arwen: Dad, I'm 2777 years old! That's like, 300 years away! Not fair, just 'cuz I'm the youngest! All my friends are dating mortal guys!

PJ: (putting down hand) Why don't we save this for later…(walks away from trailer)

Scene 65, Take 1 (Beep!) Council of Elrond

Elrond: Bring forth the Ring, Frodo.

Frodo: Um…heheh…I sort of…misplaced it…

Gandalf: You what?!

Frodo: Well, y'know, Vegas…that stuff…

Boromir: We're screwed.

Elrond: Oh, great! This is Isildur's fault!

PJ: TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING, FRODO! THIS IS JUST AJOKE, RIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU JUST KILL ME, FRODO?!?!?!

Frodo: Peter, calm down!

PJ: Calm down?! CALM DOWN?! I'LL SHOW YOU CALMED DOWN!!!

Bilbo: (turns to camera) I don't think you should see this. (looks into camera, then covers it with his hand)

(Strangled screams)

Scene 65, Take 2 (Beep!) Council of Elrond--in case ya forgot

Gimli: Then let us destroy it, and be done with it! (swings axe at Ring--Ring shatters)

(A scream is heard--far away; a Nazgul flies overheard and explodes)

Elrond: That was a waste of time.

Boromir: I dunno about you guys, but since there's no evil left, I headed to the Drunkard of Gondor© at Minas Tirith! Best veer in Middle-Earth! Who's with me?

Aragorn: I have tasted the beers of Gondor. They are moderate.

Boromir: (standing up) Who are you and what do you have to do with the nightclubs of Gondor?

Legolas: (standing up as well) Do you not know? This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, one of the best damn brewers north of Harad! And anyway, once my Dad gets out of rehab, he'll show you all! Fools! Mortals!

Gimli: I would be dead before I saw the best beer deemed to the hands of an Elf!

PJ: (waking after attempting suicide Gimli breaking Ring) Oh, great…(pours hot coffee on self)

Boromir: (grinning) This…is Isildur's heir? Is he even 21? Gondor needs no brewer like that!

Galdor of the Havens: Hey, we at the Havens can make some good stuff, too! Círdan Líte, all the way! Thursdays are open 'til 4 AM!

Elrond: Well, I dunno about you guys, but we Rivendwelleers always keep a mug or two close by!

Legolas: Why don't you go make some obscene statues or memorize some 'lore', ya half-elf…

Elrond: Why you…li'l blonde punk!

Gandalf: Hey, we Wizards can get 'jiggy with it', as you young'uns say…

Boromir: Oh, shut up, Rogaine…

Elrond: (looking shocked) Rogaine?! I thought you used Just-for-Elves Gel, like me! I don't know what to say, I feel so betrayed!

Gandalf: Well, it didn't cover the gray spots…(runs hand through hair; mutter to self)

Legolas: Look, can you two go try on some new dentures at some geezer slumber party?

Gandalf: Grr…Get him!

(Gandalf jumps at Legolas; everyone begins to bicker, except Bilbo, who mutters "Vegas" to himself)

(Gandalf threatens Legolas--then lights his hair aflame; Frodo walks into middle of floor)

Frodo: I will taste the beers of your lands!

(Everyone continues bickering--save Gandalf, who winces at Frodo's statement)

Frodo: I will taste the beers of your lands!

(everyone turns to face Frodo, including flaming hair Legolas)

Frodo: Though…I do not know the way.

Scene 65, Take 3 (Beep!)

Elrond: So be it…You shall be the Losership of the Ring!

Scene 67, Take 1 (Beep!) Bilbo's Room

Bilbo: Mithiril…Try it on!

(Frodo unbuttons shirt--tries coat on)

Bilbo: Oh…My Ring…If I could just see it for a moment--

(Frodo closes buttons)

Bilbo: ARGH! (makes faces--dentures fall out) O poob! Ub dub noob glug!

Day 13, Scene 68, Take 1 (Beep!)Outside Rivendell

Merry: Hey, guys, guess what today is!

Legolas: The day we start our Quest by leaving Rivendell…?

Merry: No, silly! It's December 25^th! Christmas!

Pippin: Hey, everybody: Have a Merry Christmas!

Gimli: (mumbling) Can I be Santa Claus…?

Boromir: Dear God, this is gonna be one long trip.

Scene 71, Take 1 (Beep!)Rocks, somewhere

Boromir: One, two, three! Good, now you!

(Boromir, Pippin, Merry, practice Sword-fighting)

Aragorn: Bend at the knees more….

Pippin: (bends) Like this?

Aragorn: No, no…(walks over to Pippin) Whoa!

(Aragorn "trips" and "falls" on Pippin in a tangle of limbs)

Pippin: You okay?

Aragorn: Fine, just fine…(walks away quickly)

Pippin: Odd…(pats pockets) Hey, where's my wallet?

Scene 72, Take 1 (Beep!) Rocks, again

Gimli: If you ask me--

Legolas: No one did.

Gimli: Shut up! Anyway…It seems to me that we're taking the long way around…Why not FLY over a mountain? My cousin Balin could get us round-class, cheap tickets…MoriAir!

Scene 72, Take 2 (Beep!)

Legolas: (looking out into sky) Crebain from Dunland!

Pippin: No, wait--pigeons!

Gandalf: Saboteurs of Saruman! A fly-by dung bombing! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Scene 72, Take 3 (Beep!)

Gandalf: We must take the pass…Of Caradhras!

Gimli: What part of MORIA isn't getting through here?

Pippin: No South-Road? Oh, well. I didn't bring suntan lotion, anyway. But it's gonna be cold…

Legolas: And me without my mink coat!

Merry: I didn't even bring my passport…

Day 15, Scene 74, Take 1 (Beep!)

(Boromir picks up the dropped Ring)

Boromir: Is it not odd that we should suffer so much fear and doubt to for so small a thing? So small a thing! And cheap, too! Looks like Sauron got it at a garage sale!

Aragorn': Boromir, put down the cheap jewelry…

Day 16, Scene 75, Take 1 (Beep!) Isengard

(Crebain issue into pits, through holes, to Saruman)

Saruman: (listening to birds) So, Gandalf, you take them over Caradhras…Couldn't stop by to see little Old Saruman, could you? No…Always too busy…

Day 16 Diary

PJ: Remember, we must shoot this in real-time to avoid screwing up Tolkien's world (though our little "cheapie" stint wasn't THAT bad…). So, if something jumps between scenes quickly, we have to a)shoot it at a previous time or b) shoot it at the same time with two camera. We must do this now, so Saruman can work his magic.

Scene 77, 78, Combo Scene, Take 1 (Beep!)

Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air!

Gandalf: Dratted Saruman! Such a busybody!

Isengard

Saruman: Ash nazg Caradhras--(loud screeching noises) Stupid magical loudspeaker!

Scene 77, 78, Combo Scene, Take 2

Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air!

Gandalf: (blocking snow with hand) Darned low pressure systems!

Isengard

(Camera approaches lone figure on Orthanc--Saruman)

Saruman: (chanting--stops) Hey, turn that thing off! (motions to helicopter) I can't even hear myself think!

PJ: Saruman, focus! Never mind the camera-copter! Turn off the sound in your mind!

Helicopter pilot: What? Turn it off?

Cameraman: no! Ignore it! Just keep going right--

(Thud)

(Camera swivels as helicopter blades graze Orthanc--then camera and cameraman fall out)

PJ: Look what you did!

Pilot: What?

Scene 77, 78, Combo Scene, Take 3 (Beep!)

(Legolas leaps forward to rock, his pants snag as he runs)

Legolas: There is a fell voice--hey, what's so funny? Why are you guys all laughing???

(Fellowship laughs; Gimli rolls with laughter)

Merry: It's…(snicker)…Your pants…(giggles)

Legolas: My pants?! Well, I'm pretty sure this morning I didn't put on my tie-dye-flash bell-bottoms--oh my gosh! (look down to pants--notices that his pants, upon snagging on rock, had completely ripped off) And I thought it was just a draft!

(Legolas inches toward cliff-edge, covering his legs)

Legolas: Fly…you fools! (jumps off cliff)

Scene 80, Take 1 (Beep!) Isengard

Saruman: You know what the Dwarves awoke, delving too deep…Ernie…And no cable for the whole way under, too, since the damn router at Lórien has been busted!

Scene 81, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Let the Ring-bearer…decide. And Vegas is not a choice!

Frodo: Damn!

Day 17, Scene 82, Take 1 (Beep!)West-gate, Moria

Gimli: The wall…of Moria! (runs ahead)

Legolas: Oh, shut up!

Boromir: (sarcastically) Look! The port-a-potties…of Moria!

Gimli: (halts) Where?!

Scene 82, Take 2 (Beep!)

Frodo: What's the Elvish word for friend?

Gandalf: Er…Friendildil? Friendissimo?

Legolas: That's not it! It's--

Gandalf: Oh, shut up! I forgot one word…so what? I haven't been taking my ginkgo biloba lately, okay?

Aragorn: Ironic you forgot the word friend…'Cuz you don't have any!

Scene 83, Take 1 (Beep!)Moria's West-gate

(Fellowship attacked by octopus; Frodo dragged out, then saved)

Boromir: (hacking at octopus tentacle) Who wants sushi?!

Scene 84, Take 1 (Beep!)Moria--Entrance hall

(Fellowship walks in past cave-in; Gandalf lights staff)

Boromir: (sees remains--gasps) Orcs! (draws sword)

Sam: No…There's dwarves, too, but everything's dead! Ew…

Legolas: This place just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it, Gimli?

Gimli: So Balin could use some re-decorating…so what?

Day 18, Scene 86, Take 1 (Beep!) Moria--It's a big place, y'know

(Fellowship climbs the stairs--Merry slips)

Merry: Damn! These Timbs don't have that great a grip! Me and my style…

Scene 87, Take 1 (Beep!) Moria--If Gandalf doesn't know, how should I?

Gandalf: …I have no memory of this place.

Boromir: I knew we should've gotten a tour guide!

Frodo: So…the "ginkgo biloba" again, eh, Gandalf?

Gandalf: Shut ht hell up.

Day 19, Sce3ne 88, Take 1 (Beep!) Moria--same place

Gandalf: There are many that die, yet deserve life…Just look at Texas' death row!

Scene 88, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Oh! It's that way!

Pippin: How'd you remember?

Gandalf: Easy! Used MapQuest!

Aragorn: And it took you that long…(shakes head) So sad…

Gandalf: Hey! I had to use dial-up, y'know, because we don't GET any cable down here…Thanks to someone…(nods head at Gimli)

Gimli: Me? But…But…How am I supposed to get cable down here? Blame Balin! Or those damn Elves, they broke the router…

Scene 89, Take 1 (Beep!) Chamber of Mazarbul

Gimli: (gasps) No! (runs ahead--sobs)

Merry: What's wrong?

Gimli: (head bowed) With Balin dead, my stock option in MoriAir are down the toilet! Good-bye, portfolio: why didn't I just use insider trading???

Balin: (bodiless voice; from nowhere) Yeah, thanks for caring, Gimli.

PJ: Spooky…

Scene 90, Take 1 (Beep!)

This take and the copyrights to it have been sold on eBay for $200 by a "Meriadoc Brandybuck" and a "Peregrin Took". We're sorry for any inconvenience.

PJ: MERRY! PIPPIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT WAD OF MONEY?!?!

Scene 90, Take 1 (Beep!)

Gandalf: They are coming….

Pippin: Who's coming? Not the INS again, how many times do I have to tell them, I have a green card!

Scene 90, Take 3 (Beep!)

Gandalf: They are coming…

(Pippin accidentally drops Orc armor in well)

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! You ruined the "mood"!

Scene 90, Take 4 (Beep!)

Gandalf: They are coming…

Boromir: How many times can you say that?

Scene 90, Take 5 (Beep!)

Gandalf: They are coming…

Merry: Does it say any more? What's coming, perhaps?

Gandalf: Yes…I fear their end was cruel…Route at Lórien broken…Damn Elves. No cable. But we need TV…They are coming. The Figure Skating Championships. Oin going to watch. So boring…We don't expect to see the light of day again. Darn Michelle Kwan.

Scene 91, Take 1 (Beep!) Chamber of Mazarbul

Boromir: They've got a Cave Troll with them…And he's really ugly! Seriously! His skin hue is disgusting! Where's the makeup crew?

Merry: Maybe he's born with it…Maybe it's Maybelline…

PJ: WHAT?! WHAT?!?!

Pippin: Don't be offended, Pete! We all have ugly family members! Bilbo, for instance!

Scene 91, Take 2 (Beep!) Chamber of Mazarbul

(Orcs pours in; Fellowship fights)

Sam: (hitting Orc on head with pan) I think I'm getting the hang of this--wait! There was a piece of bacon on this pan! Where is it? (looks at dead Orc) You dirty thief!

(Sam peels the bacon off the Orc's face)

Sam: (chewing bacon) Mmm…

Scene 91 ,Take 3 (Beep!)

(Troll looks around pillar for Frodo, who moves aside)

Troll: (sticking head out) Peek-a-boo, I see you!

Scene 91, Take 4 (Beep!) Same place. Yes.

(Troll pins Frodo against wall with spear)

Troll: (cranes neck) ET…phone…home…(holds out glowing finger to Frodo's wound)

Scene 92, Take 1 (Beep!) Chamber of Maz…ah, y'know

(Aragorn stabs Troll and fights him)

Merry: Five bucks says the Troll wins!

Pippin: Don't know much, do ya? This is a movie, so the good guys have to win!

(Troll bats Aragorn to side)

Pippin: Damn! (Hands Merry $5)

Merry: (taking money) Formula, schmorula…

Scene 92, Take 2 (beep!)

Gandalf: I think there's more to this hobbit than it seems…

Frodo: (opens shirt; reveals strips of bacon tied and smithied together) You didn't think I was so hungry as to eat Sam's bacon, did ya?

Sam: So that's where your breakfasts have been going the past two weeks…

Scene 93, Take 1 (Beep!) Really big hall place

(Fellowship runs; Orcs issue out of every hole)

Frodo: Whoa, forget cockroaches, this is a total infestation!

Scene 93, Take 2 (Beep!)

(Orcs issue from every hole; Fellowship flees)

Frodo: Wait! Just a moment! Look--the Orcs aren't chasing us, they're after--

Gimli: (gasps) The cameraman!

(Cries of "Move!", "Hi, mom, I'm in the movies!", and "I want a contract" come from the approaching Orc mob)

Orc 1: Move! I want to be on film!

Orc 2: Hush! We are! Now wave to the camera! (waves) Hi, mom!

Boromir: Run, cameraman, run!!!

Cameraman: Wha…? Huh…?…--Aaaah! Oh, shit!

(Camera swivels and bounces as cameraman runs from pursuing Orcs)

Orc 3: I think we've almost got him!

Orc 4: There he is, grab him!

(Camera screen grows fuzzy as Orcs knock it over and crowd over dazed cameraman)

Frodo: (muttering) Bunch of grimy wannabes…

(Snow on screen…fuzzy)

Scene 93, Take 3 (Beep!)

(Orcs run away; fleeing back to holes)

Legolas: Wow, I didn't know Gimli swelled THAT bad…Look at the Orcs run!

Gimli: Hey! I just took a shower last month…

Scene 93, Take 4 (Beep!)

(Thudding sound, light appears on far side of hall)

Boromir: What is this new devilry…

Gandalf: (sighing) Old friend. Balrog. Don't ask. So I forgot his birthday…13,462 years straight…No need to get all "mortal combat" on us…

Scene 94, Take 1 (Beep!) Stairs before Bridge of Khazad-dum

Boromir: (runs forward; stops at stair end and teeters at edge) –Eeek!

Legolas: (grabs Boromir) Whoa, there, cliffhanger!

Scene 94, Take 2 (Beep!)

Gandalf: Swords have no more use here! Well, maybe your sword…So shiny…Probably just as good as Glamdring…Plus, Ernie the Balrog might be a little mad…GIMME THAT SWORD!

Scene 95, Take 1 (Beep!) Stairs

Gimli: (holding hand to Aragorn, but stepping away) Nobody tosses a Dwarf! Well…It is a pretty wide gap…I could use some help…Okay, toss me…But touch my butt, and you die!

Aragorn: (Sarcastically) Oh, darn…

Scene 95, Take 2 (Beep!)

Aragorn: (on falling stair with Frodo)Lean forward!

(Rock leans forward and slams into stairs)

Sam: Whoa, and I thought I was fat!

Scene 95, Take 3 (Beep!) Moria--"Big stairs"

(Legolas shoots arrow up at Orc; hits it between eyes)

Gimli: Dude! That kind of aim scares me.

Legolas: Boo yeah! (shoots arrow) Oh, yeah! Get some sweat on this one! (sticks arrow under armpit)

That's just for extra punch!

(Legolas shoots the sweaty arrow; Orc ducks)

Orc: (up above stairs--covers nose) Aw. Geez. That smells! Take a shower, sheesh, you freaks!

Gimli: Now THAT is scary…

Scene 97, Take 1 (Beep!) Moria--still

(Fellowship runs past Balrog's flames)

(Gandalf stops before it; Balrog spews flame from its mouth)

Gandalf: (sniffs) Aw, man! Have a mint; your breath is worse than Legolas' armpit!

Scene 99, Take 1 (Beep!) Bridge of Khazad-dum

Balrog: (Stepping on bridge) What'd you say about my mama?!

Gandalf: I said, yo' moms is so fat, that when she--hey! I know your voice!

Balrog: 'Bout time you recognized it!

Gandalf: Oh, damn you, Ernie, you're not still angry about--

Ernie the Balrog: I sure as hell am! I mean, you took my favorite coloring book and--

Gandalf: (waving arms) Ernie, it's been over 16,000 years!

Ernie: So? I was 200 years old, dammit! Then you took my favorite coloring book and colored it completely gray! You're lucky I've been venting my anger in e-mails to Saruman, or I'd be REALLY angry!!!

Gandalf: Well…What's wrong with gray?!

Ernie: You're just obsessed! It's all you wear! Your hair is DYED gray!

Gandalf: (running hand through hair and muttering about "out of Rogaine") Well…you got a prob?

Ernie: Yeah!

(Ernie and Gandalf attack each other--sissy fight slap each other while not looking)

(Smack smack smack)

(Ernie lands a good hit and knocks Gandalf 300 feet off the bridge)

Scene 99, Take 2 (Beep!) Brooklyn Bridge--I mean…

Gandalf: YOU…CANNOT…PASS!!!

(BOOM!)

(Bridge cracks--Ernie the Balrog falls)

(Ernie swings his whip as he falls)

Gandalf: (ducks whip) HA! Ernie missed me! Ernie missed me! (skips around)

(Whip swings toward camera)

Cameraman: AAAH--(whips curls around his knees)

(Cameraman is dragged to the abyss--then falls, with camera)

(Camera focuses on ledge far above as it falls)

Gandalf: (head appearing over ledge--looks at cameraman) Damn, that's the third one this week…

Scene 99, Take 3 (Beep!) Bridge

Gandalf: Go back to the Shadow! The dark fire shall not avail you, flame of Udun!

Balrog: "Flame of Udun"? That's mean! Waaaaa!

Gandalf: Mama's boy.

Scene 99, Take 4 (Beep!) Bridge

Gandalf: Fly…you fools! (falls)

Frodo: NOOOOOO--what? Fly? Huh?

Gimli: Fly what? Was he mocking MoriAir? P'raps he meant Aer Shirus, Delta Doom Airlines, or one of those…Dunno. "Fly"; pretty vague.

Scene 99, Take 5 (Beep!) Bridge

Boromir: (holding Frodo) Aragorn!

Aragorn: (standing by ledge) He had my Frequent Flyer Card…And I had enough points for a 10 night stay at Lórien hotel…

Legolas: I thought these things were supposed to end funny.

Gimli: You sure as hell were! So…

Boromir': What are we doing:

Aragorn: Dunno.

(Silence)

Gimli: Let's dance!

(Fellowship starts dancing)

(Merry does the "robot"; Pippin sings "welcome to the Shire"; Gollum 'spins the discs')

Gollum: Yo, homeys!

Pippin:

Welcome to da Shire,
Where the players play,
And we ride farm carts
Like everyday,
Big carrots,
Mean farmers,
See High Elves roamin'

Pippin: --And Bilbo's parties don't stop
'Til 8 in the mornin'!

PJ: (walks in) Hey, what the hell? This isn't part of the series!

Legolas: Oh, shoot!

Gollum,: They don't pay me enough for this! (runs out from party, pulling up baggy pants)

PJ: I'm shutting this down! (walks to camera)

(Camera is shut off; screen goes black)

(Silence)

Voice 1: That wasn't funny.

Voice 2: Shut up, Legolas!!!