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Attack of the Frog People - cxo


Once upon a time there was a brilliant man named J.R.R. Tolkien. One day he sat down and began writing a story. Fourteen or so years later, he had finished his work, and he called it The Lord of the Rings. This book was, and still is, called "the greatest epic fantasy of all time" by millions of readers worldwide.

Then, one day, some idiot decided he would sit down and make an animated version of Tolkien's inspiring fantasy novel. The result? A horribly inconsistent cartoon version of The Lord of the Rings, in which Hobbits are portrayed as being a foot tall, Gandalf looks more menacing than the Orcs, half of the characters look like frogs, and every Elvish word imaginable is pronounced incorrectly. Oops.

While I was both frustrated and horrified by this "production", I was also inspired. So now, I present to you:

Attack of the Frog-people
A sequel to the epic fantasy
thriller The Lord of the Rings
by J.R.R Tolkien

All rights reserved. And stuff.


Many ages ago, when the world was still young, the rings of power were forged. The dark lord Sauron forged for himself a master ring, the One Ring, to control the other rings. Three of these were given to the Elves, seven to the Dwarves, and blah blah blah the Ring was destroyed and Sauron was vanquished.

Now, in 21st century Middle Earth (aka California), another dark lord has arisen. He is Soren, the dark lord of…Simi Valley! (Okay, so it's not as cool as Mordor, but it's pretty close, right?)

Anyway, deep in the fiery chasms of his basement, Soren forged in secret a ring, not quite a master ring but pretty darn close. He called it…the Two Ring! (Turns out New Lines Cinemas had copyrighted "the One Ring". Oh, well.) Upon this Ring he put an inscription in the ancient tongue of Elvis, which read "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog", a secret now that could only be seen when some poor soul was captured by the evil grasp of MTV. With the Two Ring, Soren could take control of not just SoCal but of the entire world. Fortunately (well not for him), Soren lost the Ring in a tragic mailbox-related incident. It was later found by the creature Gollum, who had returned from the halls of Fui and was now the Breakdance King.* And this is where our story begins.


It was a sad day indeed when Gollum came across the Two Ring. Okay, so not really. In all actuality, Gollum was really a nice guy, though slightly misunderstood and moderately schizophrenic. Okay, so maybe he as a little more than just moderately schizophrenic, but that's beside the point.

Anyhow, Gollum found the Two Ring and, realizing how utterly unsuccessful his last attempt to destroy a ring of power was, as well as not wishing to suffer yet another fire-related death, decided to return the Ring to Soren. The fact that the Two Ring did not give one invisibility, and only gave its wearer invulnerability to bellybutton lint, might have played a part, too.

Despite Gollum's strong urge to return the Ring to Soren, he still had one setback: He was allergic to fresh air. After countless years spent in Los Angeles, he was afraid he would not be able to handle the cleanliness of the "outside world". Fortunately, upon his arrival in Simi Valley, he found that, although not as polluted as LA, it was gross enough to his liking.

Anyway, like I said, Gollum eventually reached Simi Valley, but it was a long and hard journey. Okay, so he took the train. But the person who took his ticket was really big and scary!

At any rate, Gollum eventually got to Simi Valley, where he faced a new challenge: Apparently, Soren had already enslaved the residents of Simi Valley; his frog-people* roamed the streets freely, terrorizing all who came in contact with them.

Gollum attempted to "blend in" with the locals; but the fact that he could never shake his habit of having schizophrenic conversations with himself was his eventual downfall. This is how our "hero" Gollum was forced to take on all of the forces of Soren by himself. Fortunately, he was not only the Breakdance King, but also an expert Breakdance Fighter, even better than Zoolander! Gasp! So, using his pro skillz, Gollum was able to defeat the frog-people of Soren with ease, although I have to admit that they were pretty intimidating (i.e. about as intimidating as a stick of butter). He then moved on to find the Dark Lord himself so as to return the Two Ring to him.

When Gollum arrived at the fortress (aka house) of Soren, he found before himself a barren wasteland (i.e. Soren obviously didn't water his lawn much). Soren's chimney belched forth ash and flame; but hey, this didn't bother Gollum: After all, he lived in LA, didn't he?

Anyway, Gollum finally reached the black gates of Soren's fortress (aka his front door). He entered without a second thought.

Whether these were Orcs, or Wood-elves, or clones of Gollum, none could say. eager to return Soren's ring. Gollum was horrified when he found the Dark Lord himself, sitting on his living room couch, watching…MTV! Aah! Gollum screamed in horror as he heard a menacing voice saying the dreaded words of Elvis as they appeared on the ring: "You…ain't…nothin'…but a hound dog!" Creepy!

At the sound of Gollum's horrified cry, Soren leapt up and turned off his TV. After scolding Gollum for entering without knocking first, Soren thanked him for freeing him from the evil grasp of MTV and also for returning his ring, which he immediately threw into his garbage disposal, agreeing with Gollum on the fact that the whole Elvis thing was really scary.

And so ends our story: Gollum and Soren became friends, realizing that they had almost everything in common, except of course for the part about schizophrenia. Plus, it was almost as if they had been destined to meet: After all, Gollum had those kickin' shorts, and Soren had that kickin' bandana.

I guess things really do turn out good in the end.

Note from the Author:

Any resemblance between my characters and people that I or anyone else may know are purely coincidental. Kinda.

Note on Gollum:

Turns out that when Gollum was struggling to get the Ring from Frodo (The Return of the King), he discovered his unknown talent for all things breakdancing. After he fell to his fiery death, he went to the halls of Fui, where he had plenty of time to perfect his newfound talent. He was judged by all (in both this world and the next) to be the Breakdance King, as well as a very skilled Breakdance Fighter (even better than Zoolander! Gasp!). Anyway, when Soren arose as the new Dark Lord, Fui decided that Gollum was the only one who could save the world from the forces of darkness (i.e. the frog-people), and sent him back to the world of the living. And stuff. Yeah.

The End

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