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Top Ten Ways The Lord of the Rings Could be Improved if Directed by a Heavy Metalhead - Lady Eowen's Lover

10. Aragorn, Boromir and Eomer would be shirtless and have mighty rippling muscles, and pick up orcs like they were popcorn bags.
9. Galadriel and Eoywn would be clad in revealing clothes that accentuated endless legs and bountiful bosoms, and tend to feign struggling breathing.
8. A thudding guitar strut would blare during the battle scenes, with a screaming guitar solo whenever a hero starts kicking orc.
7. The dialogue would be less modernised and more ridiculously archaic.
6. Sauron would sound like Chuck Billy.
5. The soundtrack would not have a ballad by Enya, but Iron Maiden or Megadeth.
4. More mist, and skeletons.
3. The Balrog would look like Ozzy Ozbourne after being doused in petrol and set alight. Well, that would be a lot scarier.
2. Most of the songs would make the cut purely to have more angry vocals and screeching guitars, especially the rousing choruses.

… and the number one way The Lord of the Rings could be improved if directed by a Heavy Metalhead:

1. There'd be a ten-minute, dialogue-free montage of either the creation of Isengard, the Seige of Helm's Deep/Isengard/Gondor or the Battle of the Pelennor Fields whilst Metallica's "The Call of Ktulu" plays.

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