10. You say "mae govannen y'all"

9.5 Your orc-fighting techniques were learned from the Hobbits watching the WWF

9. Possums taste like chicken

8. Orcs taste like possum

7. Running on snow involves treads, skis and several hundred horsepower

6. You can tell a Molsen from a Budweiser a league away, but have trouble counting from 1 to 10…

5. You can take out a dozen orcs at fifty paces with tobacco spit

4. Your idea of fun is spotlighting orcs from the Forest Road

3. Dwarves tell you that you smell like a human

2. Humans tell you that you smell like a Dwarf

2.5 Orcs run from you without stopping for a second whiff

2. Answering the Sea-longing involves a fast boat, a big rod and 3000 pound test line

1.5 You think Lothlorien's Galadhrim built some kick-butt tree stands

1. The elvish way with all good beasts means your huntin' beagles actually come when called