9. Orcs back down from your grandmother

8. Your orc-fighting techniques are learned from the WWF

7. Gimli thinks you have too much facial hair

6. You don't wear shoes because they would keep you from biting your toenails

5. You use Gandalf's hat as an oil funnel

4. On a rest stop in Moria, you leave your torch lit to attract lunch

3. The cave troll refuses to eat you

2. Instead of Bill the Pony you have John the Deere

1. You think the One Ring To Bind Them All is duct tape