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Two Hour FOTR Redux - VB, Kanawati & Dúnadan

"The Fellowship of the Ring" in 2 hours...let´s imagine how would that be:

Frodo: Hi Gandalf!
Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your Ring.
Bilbo: Ok. Bye!
Frodo: Lalala... (walking in the forest)
Nazgûl: Booo!
Frodo: Eeek!
Merry: (appears from nowhere) Eeek!
Pippin: (the same) Eeek!
Sam: Ha ha, you can´t catch us!
Tom Bombadil: Hello folks!
Frodo: No time for you, freak.
Tom Bombadil: (dissapears)
Saruman: See, all i have to do is change this 'GOOD' from my visitors card and write 'EVIL', and I´ll be prepared.
Gandalf: I didn´t notice that before.
Sarumam: Excuse me, I have to go check my huge orc army that I´ve been keeping in secret.
Gandalf: Oh, he could lock me in a prison in the top of a tall tower without walls, this way he would not predict that an ealge would come and rescue me. That would be impossible if I was in a underground prision and...oops, hold on...
Frodo: (whispering) Low your voices.
Pippin: (yelling) We didn´t mention your real name, did we?
Merry: (yelling) Nor anything about the One Ring, right?
Aragorn: Right. Don´t say anything about the One Ring (laughs). Ok, I´m going to save you.
Pippin: (crying) Are we getting there?
Nazgûl: Ha ha ha ha. Give us the One Ring, you verm.
Frodo: Stones and sticks can hurt me, but words won´t...Aaaaargh!
Sam: It seems that swords work too.
Aragorn: Go away, bad boys!
Nazgûl: We must run, because we have been exceeded in number by this one ranger.
Frodo: Cool, we´re in Rivendell!
Merry: That was easy.
Pippin: Don´t start.
Sam: Elves are so cool.
Elrond: Get the hell outta here, I don´t want problems.
Gimli: You cannot kick them out while I´m still here.
Legolas: The same for me.
Elrond: OK...Everybody out!!!
Boromir: I´ll invite myself to join them. No special reason. Definately not because of this voice in my head that speaks of getting the Ring. No way.
Aragorn: Look, they´ve fixed my sword, woooohoooo!
Frodo: What a beautifull landscape, the trees, the moun...(boom)...ouch, my head.
Pippin: Where the heck did all this snow come from?
Gandalf: Don´t blame me, who could imagine that mountains were all freezing like that in the top.
Gimli: I told you that we should have gone through the mines.
Aragorn: Let the dwarf follow his way.
Legolas: Whatever, just open the damn door.
Gimli: Hmmm...I have no idea how to get inside.
Boromir: What a bunch of dumbass.
Gandalf: Sure (uses explosives)(POOF)
Sam: Nice trick.
Merry: Ohhh, dead dwarves all over the place!
Gimli: Buuuuaaaah!
Pippin: Hey monster, come to catch us!
Gandalf: Shit...
Orcs: Wonderful, we were starving. Do you have a clue on how difficult it is to feed an army of orcs in this abandoned mines?
Boromir: (cuts)
Legolas: (shoots)
Gimli: (something)
Frodo: Ahhhhh!
Aragorn: Oh no, the Ring Bearer has died, our quest has failed!
Frodo: (stands up) Haha. I used the old trick of the spear-that-hit-the-silver-mail, and i lay down in the ground instead of helping you guys. Very funny, eh?
Balrog: Damn, I was sleeping so good...THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF.
Gandalf: We´re so f****d up...
Aragorn: Not if we run! (and runs)
Boromir: First good idea you´ve had. (runs too)
Hobbits: (already far ahead)
Gandalf: (slow) It doesn´t matter! It´s impossible to leave behind a running demon!
Legolas: We don´t need to leave a demon behind...
Gimli: ...we just need to leave you.
Balrog: Game over, wizard. (pulls Gandalf in the abism)
Aragorn: Ohhh, he has fallen.
Frodo: I´m OK.
Sam: Same here, let´s get out. There´s no food in here.
Legolas: Beautiful trees!
Gimli: And full of assassins elves.
Celeborn: We´ve been told you were coming...actually they WARNED us about it.
Galadriel: I know all of you better than yourselves.
Sam: Don´t you have anything better to do?
Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror.
Frodo: Can´t we have a peacefull night of sleep here? What mirror are you talking about??? This 'thing' full of water?
Galadriel: But it can show thing that can or cannot be.
Frodo: You´re crazy, right? Here, take the Ring.
Galadriel: I can´t (covers her mouth). I could get an horrible voice.
Frodo: Oh fine, I´ll keep it then.
Celeborn: Time to leave!
Merry: Finally...
Aragorn: All this beautiful view and i have a bad feeling.
Boromir: Gimme the Ring!
Frodo: Notice, when i put on the Ring I´ll not only dissapear but also get out of your sight.
Boromir: I´m just trying to save Gondor. Where can i find a piece of wood in the ground, where i can fall, hit my head and return to normal? Oh here, this will do...(pow)...oh, Frodo, come back! I´m sorry!
Frodo: Ok, now the best thing i can do is go to the most dangerous place in thw world.
Sam: Count me in. (leaves with Frodo)
SuperOrcs: Die! Die! Die!
Merry: Help me! Help me! Let´s cover their runaway (swings his sword in a very dumb way)
Pippin: Eeek, we´re damned.
Boromir: Don´t worry litle ones, I´ll blow my horn and we´ll be saved by soldiers...that are...hundreds...of miles...well, i think it´s over, good luck for you! (dies)
SuperOrcs: Die! Die! Die!
Legolas: Look at me! Dude, I´m awesome!
Gimli: I´m a friend of nature, blood makes the grass grow.
Aragorn: It seems that Frodo is gone, and no freaking way I´m gonna step into Mordor. Let´s go exactly the opposite direction.
Legols: Sure.
Gimli: Ok.

The End.
(Original text by Visha Boyd, translated by Kanawati and re-translated by Dúnadan)

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