MOON LETTERS : TOOKISH TICKLERS
Balrog Lawsuit Press Release - Aragorn
Khazad-dum, Endor --
Luringwethil, a prominent Balrog civil rights attorney and founder of the Balrog Anti-Ridicule Federation (BARF), announced today he was seeking a multi-million dollar class-action lawsuit against several prominent Tolkien groups on Usenet.
"We're tired of all the slander on these groups," Mr. Luringwethil explained. "It all began several years ago, when the regulars of the groups began a huge argument about whether or not we have wings. Anyone can see that we do indeed have wings," he continued, spreading two large and magnificent bat-like wings, "but this matter keeps being brought up, and we're getting embarrassed by it. And it's not just the wings. We're getting damn sick of the fuzzy pink slipper jokes. Not all of us wear fuzzy pink slippers. I myself have bunny slippers. We also are tired of being referred to as 'things of slime'. That is an anti-Balrog slur. It was bad enough Mr. Tolkien used the phrase in his infamous work, The Lord of the Rings, but everyone knows he was an anti-Balrogist anyway. It's quite another to see a term we find hurtful to be bandied about almost daily on these international forums. And these examples only scratch the surface. The members of these groups seem of have an obsession with ridiculing Balrogs, and we're tired of it. We have rights and so we're seeking this lawsuit as compensation for emotional damage done to Balrogs all around the world."
The International Association for the Advancement of Fictitious Peoples (IAAFP) have retained the services of Mortimer Thripp, Q. C., to deal with the matter of pretended Balrogs demanding fantastic sums for "insults" that are simply a statement of fact. Among the star witnesses being lined up by Mr. Thripp are Sir Henry Goteleigh, former Chief Constable of South Leicestershire and a man with an extensive knowledge of Balrogs true and faked; Jehoshaphat Schultz, the well-known American Balrog impersonator; and Vrål Gorm Hildebrandsen, the famous Norwegian baritone, who finally "sang" about his contacts in the Balrog world. Says Sir Henry, a gentleman and a scholar (and an old Etonian too): "The time has come to deal with these liars and flamers for good, lest civilization as we know it drowns with a hiss in an ocean of leathery fake wings and pink fluffy slippers".
Dame Cassia West, from the Faculty of Wondrous Creatures at the University of Middle-earth, issued a press release encouraging other Balrogs to come forward over their shameful treatment on the Tolkien newsgroups. "Despite whatever Goteleigh may believe regarding the truth of the claims, it is obvious that winged Balrogs have been prosecuted and hunted and forced into hiding. It is about time that they came out of hiding and let the truth be known. He attempts to muddy the issue with his 'witnesses', none of whom have any knowledge of Balrogs other than that which Goteleigh himself trained them to recite." Hildebrandsen has since denied any knowledge of Balrog wings, existent or not, and claims he was just singing to his "shadowy contacts".