MOON LETTERS : TOOKISH TICKLERS
Of the Istari (Directors Cut) - Skimitar
Manwë saw Sauron as a slow menace and desired to avoid his errors of old. Wherefore he called upon Eru for counsel. And The One spoke unto Manwë and said "Lift Thy Game."
And Manwë descended from Taniquetil and said unto Varda, "The Boss speaketh to me in words of Anger, and I am Probated"
And Varda said unto Manwë, "The burden of Taniquetil is heavy, and heavier still is the mortgage of it on those without employment. So I say unto you also 'Lift Thy Game' lest I tarry longer at the Halls of Mandos, who hath been making eyes at me."
And Manwë was angered, and resolved therefore to strike at Varda. But Varda averted his anger and said:
"Ere the Song of the Ainur, the Valar have spreadeth the blame, therefore summon unto you a mighty Council so that we may spread it further and avert the Wrath of Eru. It is standard Middle Management Practice."
And so Manwë set forth his summons and called the Valar to him.
Yea! Even Oromë set forth from the Tables of the East.
"Four Aces, and now I am summoned! And I have had naught but a pair of twos all day."
And thus came all the Valar speedily, save Mandos, who had to cover the Hickey of Elbereth.
But at last all were gathered around Manwë and Varda, bar Ulmo, who sat alone, for he stanketh of fish, as usual.
And Manwë spoke unto his Brethren:
"We doth need three brave volunteers to send forth unto Middle Earth, to defeat Sauron, servant of Melkor"
And there was a great shuffling of feet and averting of eyes. And yea! A great nervous coughing.
And the silence lasted for an Age.
After a time, Curumo came seeking Aulë, for he had an arcane question of metalwork to ask of him.
Curumo spoke and said, "Lord, hath thy seen my quarter inch drill bit?"
And Aulë spoke unto him and said, "Curumo, my oldest servant, haveth I a deal for you!"
And the Valar spoke as one: "Send now the Maiar, for they are Ignorant, and will do what we will. For they are but Base Grade Employees."
And Oromë called for his servant, Alatar, who owed him still after the Disaster of the Eastern Pool Halls.
"Here is the second!"
And Alatar saith:
"Pull the other Balrog, it hath wings".
But Oromë showeth him the power of his friend Tulkas, and Alatar was silent and sat nursing his wounds.
And Manwë perceived the will of the Valar, and saw that it was Good.
"Where is Olórin?", he asked.
At that time, Olórin entered the Council, having just returned from a long journey to the Herb Gardens of Marië - Wanë. And he turned his red eyes to the Council and said:
And Manwë said:
"Let Olórin goeth as the Third, for he is Stonéd, and will not notice."
But Varda looked at Olórin and winkéd, and said "Not as the Third".
At this, Curumo was wrothful, for he believed that of the Maia that he was the First, and had gotteth into the pants of Varda afore Olórin.
And this was not lost on Yavanna, who hadeth the goods on Varda. And Yavanna bethought Varda of having laid with Aiwendil also, whom she herself had laid with ere the Creation of Arda. And she was angered with Aiwendil, wherefore she called in a mighty voice for him to come to the council.
And Aiwendil, who in the tongue of Northern Men was later called Radagast, came flying like the wind to Valinor.
Yavanna spoke unto him:
"Listen up, ye who doth have an unnatural relationship with the Beasts and Birds, I am sending ye to challenge Sauron."
At which Radagast was aghast and set forth a great sound, like unto the Winds, and also a great stench. And the Maiar and the Valar gasped and held their noses.
"Best he dress in brown," said Curumo slyly, "The better to hide his shame."
And at last all was arranged bar that Alatar insisted on taking his friend Pallando, because he simply couldn't imagine going out without some degree of colour coordination. And blue was just so them, didn't everyone agree?