'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Shire
The hobbits were all hunkered down by the fire;
With pint pots in hands and chips in their tummies,
The only things they had in mind were the yummies.

The elves were all pouncing about in their woods.
The dragons, they smoldered, protecting their goods.
The wizards were practicing magic effects,
And the dwarves tried to figure out which was which sex.

While humans were all doing dull human things,
The Balrog adjusted its big smudgy wings.
When out at Helm's Deep there arose such a clatter,
That Strider sprang up to see what was the matter

A big pudgy guy, in a fuzzy red suit
Had lost all his elves, he'd come to recruit!
"Ai, ai!" cried the elves. "A Santa is come!
His elves are on strike and the toys are not done!"

They started to dither so Strider took charge.
He did it so well 'cause his...uh...presence was large.
He called to what's left of his friends and his chick
As they rode out together to battle St. Nick

"On, Frodo! On, Samwise! On, Merry! On, Pippin!
On, Leggie! On, Gimli! On, Gandalf! On...Arwen!
We'll attack from Helm's Deep from the great Deeping Wall!
Off your butts! Off your butts! Off your butts all!"

But the voice of Kris Kringle was like Saruman's,
And none who could hear could resist his commands.
(say it with an English accent)
"I just want you all to make lots of toys
For parents to buy all the girls and the boys,"

"For now 'tis the season to buy and to buy,
To bring US capitalism truly alive. (It doesn't rhyme. I never claimed to be Shakespeare)
And I'll reward all of you with a fun game of "tig,'
And immortalization in some great action fig...ures.

"We're already immortal!" cried fine Legolas,
Who glowed in his role as Monsieur Obvious;
The hobbits refused Santa with all of their might,
'Tho we all know they were the right height.

"We realized 'ere the spirit could seize us,
That in Middle Earth, there's no one named Jesus!
We don't recognize this excuse to sell stuff;
So bugger you off before we get rough!"

To charm Middle Earth, St Nick was not able.
He had to return to the bargaining table.
He charmed his elf union, which is great for us
'Cause they went back to making our toys without fuss.

In a twinkling the hobbits returned to their beer,
And the elves pounced back to their woods without fear.
The wizard eventually taught the dwarf how to ride,
And all of the humans eventually died.

For us 'tis the season when all should be jolly,
But, maybe, perhaps it is all just folly.
For while there's no Christmas, let's not forget
That in Middle Earth there's no credit card debt!