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Nazgul Rings - Gaffer

What follows is derived from a little known source of Tolkien Lore, published by J.R.R.'s third cousin's best friend's dog's trainer's banker's uncle, called "Middle-earth: a Third Cousin's Best Friend's Dog's Trainer's Banker's Uncle's Perspective" in which the author claims to have hoarded a number of previously undiscovered notes accidentally dropped one day by the Professor himself when he was depositing some money for his third cousin's dog's training.

I swear.

Anyway, as it turns out, Sauron was at one time, secretly married to a female Dunedain, and out of that union came a set of Nantuplets.

The Nine Rings for Mortal Men were actually forged one day when Sauron got a note from Khamul's teacher saying that Khamul had been misbehaving badly, and had become completely "incorrigible."

So Sauron skipped lunch that day, and hooked up with his buddy Celebrimbor in Celebrimbor's basement, where Celebrimbor had a small jewelry business going on the side.

While Celebrimbor was distracted by an unusually disturbing episode of Jerry Springer, Sauron slipped the extra powers into the Ronco Ring-O-Matic, and by day's end, he had the Nine Rings, which were originally called "Nine Rings for Disobedient Nippers."

From then on, his nine sons did exactly as they were told, though at first Sauron did have some problems finding them when they disappeared.

As for how he tells them apart, well, one might ask the same of a father of twins. To everybody else, they may look alike, but daddy knows.

This amazing book also answers questions about the legendary female "tenth Nazgul." Apparently, the nine have a younger half-sister named Debbie, who was also a bit wild growing up.

The Seven Dwarven Rings were an accidental byproduct of Sauron's attempts to create a ring to control her shopping habits. Apparently it took him eight tries. The first seven times, he found to his dismay that the finished product actually caused her to crave gold, jewels, and the miscellaneous bit of mithril armor.

He had nearly gone bankrupt by the time he got it right.

By that time, Celebrimbor had become aware of his little game, and got together with some of the other neighbors, Elrond, Galadriel, and Cirdan, and used the Ring-O-Matic to create the Three Rings for Elven Neighbors to Keep Those Whelps Out of Our Yards. Thus the original verse, as translated from the ancient Elvish went something like this:

Three Rings to stop those brats
from peeing in our pools.
Seven for the daughter, Debbie
in the Malls she roams
Nine for the holy terrors
doomed for reform school
One for the Type A Dad
in his manufactured home.
In the land of Trailer Parks,
Where the White Trash lies.
One Ring to School them all,
One Ring to Ride them.
One Ring to Scold them all
And with a belt strap Hide them.
In the land of Trailer Parks
Where the White Trash lies.

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