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If LotR Were Filmed by Monty Python… - TORN Messageboard Regulars

John Cleese as Gandalf
Eric Idle as Saruman
Graham Chapman as Elrond
Michael Palin as all the hobbits
Terry Jones as Galadriel
Terry Gilliam as Gollum…

Instead of fishes, Gollum wants SSSPAM, SSSPAM, SSSPAM, SSSPAM, SSSPAM ….

Bilbo Baggins gorges himself at Elrond's table, eats a mint, then explodes.

Hobbits know "how not to be seen."

Mallorns replaced by larches.

Tom Bombadil spends his days practicing silly walks.

Scenes introduced by John Cleese, sitting at a desk in the Rohirrim grasslands, saying "And now for something completely different."

A big foot squishes all the Orcs in the battle at Helmīs Deep.

The battle of the Pelennor fields is decided by sixteen tons falling on the Witch King of Angmar.

"He's not the Dark Lord -- he's just a very naughty boy!"

Shagrat and Grishnakh arguing about Frodo's body.
Shagrat: "He's not dead, he's pining for the fjords!"

Theoden invites Gandalf to choose any horse he'd like. Well, Gandalf names off a string of horses, none of which appear to be available. At last, Gandalf says, "Do you in fact have any horses?"
Theoden says, "Oh yes, sir, finest horses in Middle Earth!"
Gandalf: "Honestly?"
Theoden: "Honestly? No, sir."
Gandalf: "Right. I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you."

"… So if Arwen weighs as much as a duck, she's an Elf!"
When Denethor goes nuts, he walks through Minas Tirith pushing a cart and shouting "Bring out your dead!"
Battle of Pelennor Fields won by telling Orcs the killing joke.
Shelob replaced by bloodthirsty killer rabbit.
Radagast is shown tying coconuts onto sparrows and tossing them in the air.
Faramir just wants to sing.
The Rohirrim ride by clapping coconuts.
After Gandalf falls into the abyss, a voice wavers up: "I'm not dead yet!"
"A Balrog! Run away, run away!"
When Gandalf appears in Fangorn, Aragorn says: "We thought you were dead!"
Gandalf: "I got better."
The Holy Hand Grenade of Angband is used to blow up the doors of Minas Tirith.
Scene 24: A smashing scene, in which there aren't any orcs, but I believe you do see a Nazgu…ulp
Movie ends with Frodo & Co being arrested by British Police instead of the Scouring of the Shire.
The Fellowship escapes from Moria because the animator suffered a fatal heart attack, and the cartoon Balrog was no more.
Elrond: "And the company of the walkers shall be ten . . ." Glorfindel: "Nine, sir!"

When Aragorn finds Boromir after Merry & Pippin are captured:
"Brave Boromir, Your death shall not have been in vain!"
Boromir: "I'm not quite dead, sir."
Aragorn: "Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain."
Boromir: "I think I could pull through, sir. In fact, I think I'm all right to come with you."
Aragorn: "No, no, brave Boromir. Stay here. I must accomplish this in my own particular…"(sigh)
Boromir: "Idiom?"

Crossing the bridge to Lorien:
"What is your name?"
"Meriadoc Brandybuck of the Shire"
"What is your quest?"
"We seek to destroy the One Ring"
"What is your favorite color?"
"Blue -- no, red. Aaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh!"

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