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MOON LETTERS : CREATIVE WRITING
Ways The Lord of the Rings would be different if filmed by George Lucas - TORN Messageboard Regulars (compiled by Inferno, re-compiled and edited by Kyriel)
  • Opening line: "A long time ago, in a hole in the ground…" --Robin Smallburrow-
  • Entire history of the Ring summarized in text crawl at the beginning of the movie. -- Idril Celebrindal-
  • The opening shot of the movie is a long, slow look at the underside of a Nazgul steed flying overhead. -Kyriel--

  • 'Meesa Smeagol. Meesa yousa humble servant.' --Inferno-
  • Gollum played by infamous floppy-eared CGI amphibian. "Baggins! It steala the Pwecious! Weesa hates it forever an' ever!" -- Idril Celebrindal --
  • Gollum made more "plush-toy"-like. Adorable eyelashes and floppy ears, most likely. -Bullroarer-
  • Gollum travels across bodies of water by walking on the bottom and using a little periscope to see out. -Kyriel-

  • Saruman's Orcs attack Helm's Deep with AT-AT's. - Inferno-
  • Orcs all wear white plastic armor. -- Idril Celebrindal --
  • An orc bangs his head on the door while he's rushing into the Chamber of Mazarbul in Moria. -- Idril Celebrindal --
  • Orcs would not be able to hit the broadside of Minas Tirith even though they are said to be precise shots. --Ron Austin-
  • All of the bad characters will be spectacularly poor shots who never hit the good guys (which leads you to wonder why they were so terrifying anyway) while the good characters are all crack bowmen/swordsmen/axemen/wizards who could pick the sprinkles off the witch-kings ice cream from 2 leagues away. -glaze-
  • All of the bad characters will have vaguely threatening English aristocratic accents. -glaze-
  • Bad characters will be spectacularly ugly aliens or white men. -glaze-
  • Instead of a Balrog, Gandalf must fight a giant space slug. -- Idril Celebrindal --
  • Balrog is 40 ft high and is run by puppeteers. --Robin Smallburrow-
  • Sauron will sound like he is wearing an aqualung and will appear (complete with theme music) dressed all in black with a floaty-flappy cloak. At the end he will reveal he is really good man at heart and that he is someone's father. -Eledhwen-
  • Witch-King of Angmar has cool double bladed staff that he uses to kill Qui Gon Theoden. - Robin Smallburrow-
  • The Nazgul King Force-chokes all the insolent orcs. -Inferno- The Witch King will step up to Eowyn and start doing some overly-elaborate sword spin. Eowyn will just look at him, then shoot him with a crossbow (hey, you guys forget that George didn't just do Star Wars).--Saxman-
  • Saruman the Hutt keeps an entourage of dancing girls in Orthanc and sends out bounty hunters to capture the Hobbits. -- Idril Celebrindal --
  • Sauron was actually Gandalf's pupil "Before he turned to evil." -Saxman-

  • It turns out that everyone in the Fellowship is a blood relative, including Legolas and Gimli. -- Idril Celebrindal --
  • Aragorn discovers he is Eowyn's brother. -Inferno-
  • Sauron: "Gandalf never told you what happened to your father." Frodo: "He told me enough! You killed him! "Sauron: "No, Frodo -- I am your father!"--Idril Celebrindal-
  • Frodo's moment of crisis when he finds out that Drogo's drowning is just a cover story - his father is really GOLLUM! -ritergrrl-

  • 'Tom Bombadil I am. Help you I will.' --Inferno-
  • Aragorn keeps saying "it's not my fault!" when things go wrong. -ritergrrl-
  • Galadriel: "Many Bothans died to bring us information about the Ring." -- Idril Celebrindal-
  • May the Fellowship be with you … -Eledhwen-
  • All the main characters 'have a bad feeling' about something at least once --Inferno
  • Frodo: You do not need to question us. Orc: We don't need to question them. Frodo: We are not the Hobbits you are looking for. Orc:These aren't the Hobbits were looking for. Frodo: Move on. Orc: Move on. --Robin Smallburrow-
  • "You've never heard of Shadowfax? Fastest steed in Middle-Earth. He made the Kessel run under 12 parsecs." --Robin Small burrow-
  • Bree, where the most wretched hive of scum and villainy hang out. We must be cautious. -Inferno-

  • The Prancing Pony has a weird group of people playing funky music in the corner. -Inferno-
  • Bill Ferny has the death sentence in 12 villages. -Inferno-

  • Aragorn and Arwen , after fighting the enemies are preparing to swing across a chasm to the safety of other side. Arwen turns to Aragorn and kisses him. "For Luck" she says. Hey, wait a minute, that's in PJ's film!--Patty-
  • Arwen will be infatuated with Frodo at first but later turn her attentions to Aragorn. -Publius-

  • Middle Earth looks suspiciously like Bakersfield, CA. -Blue Wizard-
  • Replace Palantir with transistor radios. -Blue Wizard-
  • Barad Dur is an AM-radio station on the outskirts of town. -Blue Wizard-
  • Wolfman Jack = Sauron, Opie= Aragorn, & Cindy Williams = Arwen -- Blue Wizard-
  • Gollum renamed "Terry the Toad" --Blue Wizard-
  • Nazgul drive '57 Chevys --Blue Wizard-
  • Drag race across the ford to Rivendell --Blue Wizard-
  • Galadriel tools around Lothlorien in a white T-bird --Blue Wizard-
  • Additional inscription on The One Ring: "Class of '62" --Blue Wizard-
  • Fuzzy dice hanging on Eomer's horse (Another obscure one, here: Harrison Ford's car in American Graffiti). -Saxman-

  • Pippin and Merry use The Force to get Orcs to untie them. --Nimrodel

  • Faramir Calrisian will actually turn the Hobbits over to the Witch King, but later will have a change of heart, and help rescue them from Shelob the Hutt. -Gaffer-

  • The Rohirrim ride Taun-Tauns. -Robin Smallburrow-

  • A young Aragorn holding up a broken sword in front of Gandalf. "I never knew my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was in the orc wars."--Robin Smallburrow-

  • Gandalf escapes Orthanc by first claiming a wizard staff malfunction than sliding down a convenient chute and escaping through the infamous Orc breeding Pits. -Ron Austin-

  • When Gandalf dies, Frodo will look sad for a moment, say "I can't believe he's gone," and then he'll be completely over it. -Gaffer-
  • Gandalf constantly glows when he returns from apparent death in Moria. He's also kind of see-through.--Bullroarer-

  • Hobbits are played by Ewoks and the Shire is a giant forest. -- Idril Celebrindal-
  • Lothlorien looks suspiciously like the forest moon of Endor. Ewok village would be recycled for the Elven city. -Ron Austin-
  • The Three Hunters chase the orcs across the Forest Moon of Rohan on speeder bikes. -Kyriel-
  • Instead of "The Scouring of the Shire," the hobbits return is handled with a happy sequence of dancing hobbits being cute and adorable. Think "Plush Toys." -Bullroarer-

  • Legolas is fluent in over 1 billion forms of communication, but still has to hit Gimli on the head to get him to pay attention. -ritergrrl-
  • Gimli speaks only in beeps and whistles --Kyriel-
  • Legolas and Gimli will get trapped together in a large tower high above Helm's Deep as the Orcs blast their way in, and Legolas, looking out at the vast Orc army will turn to Gimli and say "Hmm. The damage doesn't look as bad from up here." -Gaffer-

  • Arwen wears funky makeup and elaborate dresses with lights. She often secretly switches places with her handmaiden to experience the wild side of Middle Earth. Aragorn can never figure out which one is which. --Idril Celebrindal-
  • Eomer's braid mysteriously switches from one side of his head to the other -Kyriel-
  • Sam watches helplessly from behind a force field as Shelob "kills" Frodo, then comes out swinging when the force field drops. He kills Shelob and she falls backwards, in two pieces, into a convenient orc pit.-Kyriel-

  • At the climax of FOTK, there will be one battle (orcs vs. the Fellowship). -ritergrrl-
  • At the climax of TTT, the action will cut between two battles (Helm's Deep and Isengard). -ritergrrl-
  • At the climax of ROTK, the action will cut between three battles (battle at the Black Gate; Lothlorien repulsing attack by orcs, Frodo's struggle with Gollum). -ritergrrl-

  • Ents destroy Isengard in a very large explosion. -Ron Austin-
  • Barad Dur will be destroyed with a single arrow shot down the exhaust port. -burma-

  • Saruman will fall into a pit -burma--
  • Sauron will fall into a pit -burma-
  • Denethor will fall into a pit --burma-

  • Frodo and Sam won't go into Mount Doom alone. There will be a bunch of other "expendable" Hobbits, and the Witch King will chase after them and pick them off one by one until Frodo and Sam are the only ones left. -Gaffer-
  • At the Cracks of Doom, Frodo hears Bilbo's voice saying, "Don't use the Ring, Frodo…" -Bullroarer-
  • Gollum won't actually fall into Mount Doom on the first try. He'll slip and fall and land on a ledge, and Sam will say "negative. It didn't go in. Just impacted on the surface."-Gaffer-

  • Twenty years from now, The Silmarillion will be released amid unbefore-seen media hype, and will not *quite* meet the expectations. -Saxman-- Treebeard will be small and Cuddly -Ron Austin- And I won't even mention the Cute Rohan Action figures. Mattel will sublease the Galadriel license and will come out with Elvish Barbie complete with light up ring (mirror sold separately) -Ron Austin-
  • KFC "Hunt for the Ring" Tie - In - burma -
  • "luck hobbit foot" charms at Mickey Dees --burma-

  • Anduril as a lasersword --Eowyn-
  • And when Aragorn reveals Narsil/Anduril, he'll flip the switch a couple times and say "See? Nothin."--Publius-

  • All non-human good characters will have fur or be cute. -glaze-

  • Minas Tirith - floating in clouds. -Eledhwen-

  • Boromir is frozen in carbonite instead of being sent down Anduin in a boat. -- Idril Celebrindal -

  • The Fellowship navigates an asteroid field instead of passing through the Pillars of the Argonath.-- Idril Celebrindal -

  • Instead of restoring the monarchy, Aragorn recreates the Old Republic. -- Idril Celebrindal -

  • Sam Gamgee is a moisture farmer, not a gardener. -- Idril Celebrindal -

  • Aragorn is verified as the heir to Isildur by his high midi-chlorian count. -- Idril Celebrindal -

  • Takes several tries to kick Shadowfax into Hyper drive. -Ron Austin-

  • Fortunately, they change Arwen's hairdo after the first film -ritergrrl-

  • I care (wait, that's number one!) --Bullroarer-
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