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Eat Your Way Through Middle-Earth, Parts 1 to 3 - by Lillianna Charis

Part I

Eat Your Way through Middle Earth
With Legolas and Gimli

*Bubbly, Irish sounding music plays, and the theme song is sung by a chorus*

O! What are you doing,
And where are you going?
Your lettuce needs picking!
Your stew pot is boiling!
O! Tra-la-la-lally,
Come eat through the valley !

O! What are you seeking,
And what are you making?
The faggots are reeking,
The bannocks are baking!
O! Tril-lil-lil-lolly!
The valley is jolly!
Yum! Yum!

How strange you are looking,
You masters of cooking!
No knowing, no knowing
What brings Master Greenleaf
And his good friend Gimli
To cook in the valley
He! Ho!

O! Will you be dicing?
Or will you be slicing?
Your crowd is a-waiting!
The daylight is dying!
O! Tril-lil-lil-lolly!
Cooking is jolly --
*CRASH* *the music cuts off*

Gimli: I can't take it anymore!!

Legolas: You just knocked out the first tenor!!

Gimli: But that song…I can't stand that song. Who wrote it anyway?

*Legolas clears his throat nervously and quickly changes the subject*

Legolas: Welcome to "Eat Your Way through Middle Earth with Legolas and Gimli". Today on our show, we will be sampling the culinary tastes and spectacular sights of Rivendell. We'll be making Mallorn leaf wraps, Water Lilly cordial, and elegant Valar food cake for desert!

Gimli: *Grumbles because the menu is all vegetarian* that's right! *said in a monotonous voice* Who is it that picks the menu anyway?

*Legolas clears his throat a little louder this time and again changes the subject*

Legolas: Let's get our utensils in order, shall we?
*he claps his hands and an elven maiden enters the scene with mixing bowls and measuring cups. She giggles as she hands Legolas the tools and he rolls his eyes.*

Legolas: Thank you! *said rather stiffly*

*She swoons. He rolls his eyes again and mutters "not again" *

Gimli: Once again, looks are not everything my friend!


Gimli: All right, let's get started.

Legolas: Right. What's first on our list?

Gimli: The loincloths.

Legolas: The what??

Gimli: Well that's what they look like…and taste like *said under his breath*

Legolas: *Laughing nervously* My good dwarf, you are so jovial. *slaps him on the back as Gimli grunts*

Legolas: Give me that knife. We're making Mallorn leaf wraps. They're very simple.

*Goes through the process of making wraps-very short*

Legolas: Aren't they the epitome of elegance to be included at any social gathering!?

*Gimli snorts* Of course!

*Legolas gives him THE LOOK, as the audience oohs and ahhs*

Gimli: On to the cordial…because you're going to need something with flavor to wash it down!

Legolas: *Softly* Shut up.

Gimli: Want to take this outside, Leggylocks?

Legolas: You insolent thick-headed dwarf!

*They suddenly stop as they realize the whole audience is on edge, watching them*

Audience Member: Sock him, Leggylocks!!!!

Legolas: Err, let's just make the cordial, shall we?

*Disappointed groans from the audience*

Gimli: This cordial is made from Water Lillies, which can only be collected at midnight from atop a waterfall by walking on a tightrope in your underwear! This is why the cordial is so sought after, and also why they were collected earlier by my dear colleague….

*various elven maidens are heard sighing and fainting in the wings*

Legolas: That information was unnecessary!

Gimli: Annnnd we'll show you how we make this delightful drink!

*Gimli shows how the cordial is made. Meanwhile, Legolas picks up a piece of paper that has been cast at his feet.*

Legolas: Oh no, not again!

Gimli: What?

Legolas: *Says in a high, strained voice* ohhh nothing!

Gimli: Come on…Let me see.

Legolas: Fine. *blushes*

Gimli: A petition for Legolas Greenleaf to be a guest star on "The Naked Chef" Signed by Leggylocks of Love.

*the audience and Gimli burst into roaring laughter*

Legolas: *yells above the chaos* AND NOW FOR A WORD FROM OUR SPONSERS!!!

*A deep narrator begins*

Narrator: Do you ever feel like you just want to get away from it all? The folks at Mirkwood know how you feel. Come to Mirkwood and let your imagination soar. Come to the roaring rapids of the enchanted river, where you sleep away your woes. Or for the more adventurous, try a daily spider hunt! Tours of the forest given by your own "immortal folk" of Mirkwood. Don't delay, visit today!

*bubbly music begins and we see Gimli wiping away tears and Legolas anxious to begin*

Legolas: Welcome back! Now for a real treat. We'll be making Valar food cake, which is so light, you don't even know it's there.

Gimli: Cuz it isn't.

Legolas: *ignoring him* There is a special way in which the ingredients are added. It has to be folded together just the right length of time or else it will become Mortal food cake. We do not want that.

Gimli: Oh, heaven forbid!

*they make it and Legolas shows off his creation*

Legolas: Look at the way it floats off the plate!! It is incredibly sweet to the taste, and is a perfect end to your evening.

Gimli: And I know a perfect end to this show! *shoves the cake in Legolas' face*

*Legolas laughs good-naturedly and runs off-stage as the elven maidens rush to help him*

Gimli: Thank you and see you next time as we travel into the Shire! Happy cooking!

*ending music plays*

*Legolas pops up again immaculately clean*

Legolas: Each audience member will receive 1 of the following: A signed picture of me, an oven mitt with me and Gimli embroidered on it, and a sample of each of the foods we have made.

*loud roars and cheers from the audience. More swooning.*

Part II

Eat Your Way through Middle Earth -- In Rivendell

*a montage of slides from the previous episode of "Eat Your Way through Middle Earth" with the theme song sung in the back round is played.*

*loud clapping and cheers from the audience as Legolas appears from the wings*

Legolas: Welcome again to another episode of "Eat Your Way through Middle Earth with Legolas and Gimli".

*stops and looks around.* something is missing…*notices finally that Gimli is not there* Ah! Where is my dear colleague? Oh well, I can do without him.

*Gimli comes crashing down from the ceiling and roars*

Gimli: I'M RIGHT HERE!! Think you could do without me, eh Leggy?

Legolas: How many times have I told you not to call me that?? And look at the damage you did to the ceiling!

Gimli: it's nothing.

*Legolas heaves an exasperated sigh*

Legolas: Well, today we will be experiencing the hearty meals of the hobbits. *to himself* which are also loaded with cholesterol…

A Hobbit in the Audience: I heard that!

*Legolas ignores hobbit*

Legolas: what's on our menu today?

Gimli: Veal stuffed with mushrooms, Portobello mushroom soup, and green salad…with mushrooms.

Legolas: I've always favored themed dinners…

Gimli: Right. To help us prepare these dishes, we have a special guest who knows much about the art of Shire cooking. Please give a warm welcome to Samwise Gamgee!!

*Hearty applause from the audience as Sam steps in and is appalled at the mess*

Sam: It looks like Merry and Pippin's knack for disaster has worn off on you two.

Legolas: it was Gimli's fault.

*Gimli glowers*

Audience Member: GET ON WITH IT!!!

*Sam, Legolas, and Gimli jump and begin to talk fast*

Sam: all right! Let's make some soup!

Legolas and Gimli together: good idea!

*Sam collects the utensils and then finds that the stove has been crushed by some large mass falling from the ceiling*

Sam: *trying not to make a big deal out of it* Well, it seems our stove is acting up.

Legolas: I told you go on a diet, Gimli. Maybe the "loincloths" are good for something!

Gimli: shut up.

*A person walks in from the wings carrying a huge sign that reads "Technical difficulties. Please stand by." and the audience becomes agitated*

Sam: errr, no need to get angry! We'll just practice cooking in the wilderness. I am very good at that. It will be a nice change in our direction!

*Blank stares from the audience*

Legolas: *blinks*

Sam: Legolas, start the fire. *gets a pot and heads to the fireplace*

Gimli: um, Sam, that one is for decoration.

Sam: *sheepishly* oh yeah, right. It looks so real.

Someone in the wings: made by the elves you know!

Legolas: How is it that the people in the wings are able to interrupt so much?

Someone in the wings: sorry!

Sam: stop stalling Legolas, and make the fire! I'll get the ingredients.

Legolas: Right. This is easy.

*makes several feeble attempts at lighting matches. Tries frantically to get the kindling lit while also trying to make it casual*

Gimli: *whispers to Legolas* easy, eh??

Legolas: Shut up you hippopatomic land mass. You try!!

Gimli: I will then!! You whimpy elves can't even light a fire!

Legolas: *under his breath* Auta miquala orqu(Which means, "Go kiss an orc" in elvish)

Sam: Enough you two!! Gimli, is the fire ready?

Gimli: Define ready.

Sam: Ready as "we're never gonna finish this show if you don't hurry your stubborn rear and get the fire ready."

Gimli: *clears throat* well, then it's not quite ready.

*Legolas snickers*

Sam: *sighs* well, then we'll do the salad while we're waiting.

Legolas: I'm good at that!! *goes into a lengthy discussion on the importance of greens in your diet*

Sam: err, that's great Legolas, but we're making "hobbit salad", not elvish salad. There is a difference.

Gimli: one has wonderful taste, the other: none.

Legolas: You just envy our slim, girlish figures…


Sam: Legolas, here are the directions for hobbit salad. We need ham, cheese, and boiled eggs along with the usual vegetables.

*burst of flames from the direction of Gimli*

Gimli: *as his beard is on fire* The fire is ready!!

Legolas: Gimli!!! *runs around frantically trying to find water. He instead grabs an embroidered potholder and starts whacking Gimli's beard.*

*audience is roaring with laughter*

*Gimli's beard is finally extinguished and not much remains.*

Gimli: my beard…*sobs*

Legolas: it's ok.

Sam: Well, that was an adventure…*puts the ingredients for the soup in* I hope you won't cause any more catastrophes, Gimli.

Gimli: I hate you.

Legolas: Well, let's look at the bright side! At least the audience has now lost about 4 pounds each from the laugher you caused.

*Gimli continues to bawl*

Sam: now would be the right time to have a commercial break!

*A high pitched narrator begins*

Narrator: Ever have aches and pains? Burns? Scrapes? War wounds? A nagging wife? Of course you do, we all do, but there is a cure!! Elrond's all-cure elixir can cure all of these problems and more! See your local retailer for details. We can't explain it, but you see the results!! warning: this product does not work in the following scenarios: getting stabbed by a ring wraith, being run over by an oiliphaunt, or by being shot three times with orc arrows when you were stupid enough to call them to you with a horn of Gondor.

*Bubbily Irish music signals the return to the show*

Gimli: *now in bandages* I'm gonna get me some of that!

Sam: Now we're gonna make the veal while the soup is cooking. It's very easy.

Legolas: I can do that!

Sam: Ok. but first we need to slice the veal.

Gimli: allow me. *he attacks the veal with his ax*

Legolas: dude, it's already dead!

Gimli: At least it doesn't take me eons to get a job done!

Legolas: I see your accidents have not caused you to loose your sarcastic attitude.

Sam: *trying to direct the conversation back to cooking* It's perfect! Now for the stuffing!

*he makes it and instructs Legolas to stuff the veal*

Legolas: *struggling* my, how does one accomplish this? It doesn't fit.

Sam: That's why we sew it together.

Legolas. Um…sew? I was never good in home economics…in fact, I was the only guy in that class.

Gimli: that might explain something…

Legolas: go boil your head.

Gimli: getting it barbequed is enough for me.

Sam: *realizes they will not stop and so sews up the veal himself* There!

audience: ooh pretty!

Sam: Ah, the soup is done!! *tastes it* mmm a perfect way to end the day!

Legolas: Thank you Sam for your wonderful demonstrations! *To the audience* Join us next week as we travel to my home in Mirkwood.

Gimli: Be safe, and happy cooking!


Legolas: who's going to clean up this mess?

Part III

Eat Your Way Through Middle Earth -- with Legolas and Gimli
Episode III -- in Mirkwood Forest

*Gimli is seen running from the back yelling*


Legolas: What now? We haven't even begun. The theme song hasn't played yet!

Gimli: *gasping for breath* that's….what…I…mean…*hacks*

Legolas: say what? I didn't hear you my fat colleague.

*Theme song plays and Gimli covers his ears*

Gimli: *trying* WE MUST AWAY 'ERE BREAK OF DAY TO SEEK THE PALE, ENCHANTED GOLD!! Oh bother, it's not helping.

Legolas: So that's it, eh? Don't worry it's stopped. Thankfully. You nearly killed all the crew and the audience. Just don't become too interested in opera, ok?


Legolas: Today we're in my home of Mirkwood where I am a prince you know!

*elvish girls in the audience cheer and hold up various signs that say "You're mine, Legolas!!" and "Prince of my heart"*

*Gimli stifles a laugh*

Legolas: *clears his throat and tries to ignore his persistent fans* Yes, well there are reasons why we delayed this visit….

Gimli: So, "Princy-pooh" *Legolas gives him an evil look when he says this* , what are we going to make today?

Legolas: Oh, you'll love what we have in store for you! *points to the audience. All the elven maidens think its to them and they all faint simultaneously* *Legolas again ignores this* Today we'll make Vanilla Lembas Dumplings, Valar hair pasta with Bard's secret sauce, and the main course….

Gimli: *looking hopeful* yes?? Go on!

Legolas: *With a triumphant smile* stuffed spider legs!!

*Gimli's hopeful look is replaced with a look of horror.*

Gimli: Right. When you're not pretty, you don't get to pick the menu.


Legolas: Because my good friends here in Mirkwood are out killing some spiders for our main dish, we'll start with the dessert.

Gimli: *Tone drips with sarcasm* Fresh Spider meat. Happy thought indeed.

Legolas: First, you need to get your Lembas started. Add one cup of…ohhh wait I can't tell you. It's a secret recipe you know. *starts getting out utensils*

Gimli: *Adds some ingredients* BAM!!!

Legolas: *Jumps* aiye!

*They finish it and top the dumplings off with the vanilla sauce*

Legolas: *Breathing in deeply* ahhh manifique.

Gimli: *Imitating a Chinese accent* ohh look at dis!

Legolas: Ok you have officially freaked me out now.

Gimli: *grumbles* I try for a little entertainment and what do I get? Thanks? No. "You are so funny Gimli!"? No.

*Legolas rolls his eyes*

Legolas: I wonder what has become of our spider legs? Oh well, no matter. All in due time. Let's make the Valar hair pasta with Bard's secret sauce!!

*Gimli adds ingredients*

Gimli: BAM!! *This time while waving his arms with a flourish*

*Legolas eyes his friend with concern for his friend's mental capacities but decides not to say anything at the moment*

*Meanwhile, the elven girls in the audience steadily grow louder and the chants of "Go go , Leggylocks! Go, go Leggylocks!" and "Leggy, Leggy he's our elf. He kicked butt at Dwarrowdelf!!" drown out Gimli's "BAM"s*

*Legolas turns red and tries desperately to get things under control*

Legolas: It is time…for… A COMMERCIAL BREAK!!

*A monotonous narrator begins*

Narrator: When you get together for a family dinner, what do you put on your food?

*A family is seen sitting on a picnic table with the Lonely Mountain and Laketown in the backround. The dad is barbequing, and the son and wife are setting the table with plastered smiles on their faces.*

Son: Gee dad, what are we going to eat tonight?

Father: Gosh son, don't you know? We're having fried Dragon!

Son: Aw, not again!!

Mother: Why don't we spice it up with Bard's Secret Sauce?

Son and Father: Yeah! Bard's Secret Sauce!!

Son: Gee mom, you're the best.

Narrator: Bard's Secret Sauce will captivate the mind and ensnare the senses. Buy one today.

*Bubbily music plays and Legolas is wiping the sweat off his face with a towel*

Legolas: Welcome back! As you can see, we have got the spider legs and are ready to stuff! *examines them* Why, they are almost as big as you Gimli!

Gimli: And exactly what is that supposed to mean, pretty elf?

Legolas: Merely an observation, my friend. You really need to lighten up a bit. *Eyes Gimli's waist and mutters to himself* literally…

Gimli: *Doesn't hear Legolas' last remark* eh? what was that?

Legolas: Nothing. Let's stuff.

*They do so despite Gimli's face not trying to hide the disgust at such a meal*

*Gimli ends up covered in the spider meat and Legolas is shockingly immaculately clean*

Gimli: Not in the beard! *as he pulls out several leg hairs*

Legolas: I've told you, just hack that old beard off. I'm sure there's a handsome face hiding in there somewhere……maybe.

Gimli: WHY YOU SPAWN OF A FESTERING SESPOOL OF MUCK! HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST I HACK OFF THIS BEARD! *Picks up the only weapon in sight. A spider leg*

Legolas: Now hold on one moment, you son-of-a-motherless-oiliphaunt, this is no time to ruin our creations.

Gimli: On guard!

Elven girl in the audience: GO GET HIM LEGGY! Oh he's sooo dreamy.

Other elven girl in the audience: Maybe he'll take his shirt off.

*They both faint*

*As Gimli prepares to charge Legolas, a loud beeping comes from the oven*

Legolas: *relieved* Ah, the stuffed spider legs are done!

*He gets them out quickly*

Legolas: And there you have it! Stuffed spider legs, Vanilla Lembas Dumplings, and Valar Hair Pasta with Bard's Secret Sauce! Thank you for joining us today. Each of the audience members will receive a sample of this delightful meal.

*Gimli gives up on the attack and lays down his leg with a shudder of revulsion as the ending music plays*

*The maidens run down the aisles screaming and nearly knock Legolas over as they shove things for him to autograph into his face*

Legolas: *exasperated* I've had enough of this nonsense! *Tries to say in an insulting manner* All of you are embarrassing! Your necks are like the white tower of Ecthelion, and your screaming is like that of a million croaking Crebain from Dunland!

*He stops and lifts his head triumphantly, expecting them to be very insulted. He is quite mortified at the result*

Elven girl #1: Did you hear that? My neck as white as that great, white tower! *sigh*

Elven girl #2: The sound of his voice makes me want to swoon.

Elven girl #3: What's a Crebain?

Elven girl #4: Tell us about our eyes next, Leggy!!

Legolas: Ummm Gimli!!! *He breaks into a run*

Gimli: Everyone has their own set of problems I guess. Join us next time as we go to the Lonely Mountain…finally!

*Gimli chuckles and runs after Legolas*

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