(The hobbits are running through the woods away from the Ringwraiths. Frodo runs into some one and looks up.)

Frodo: Who are you?

Tom Bombadil: Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film apparently.

(The Ringwraiths are surrounding the hobbits on the tabletop. The leader approaches Frodo menacingly.)

Ringwraith Leader: Oh good we finally caught up with you. (Holds out a package.) You forgot your teddy bear. (Frodo just stares.) Well have a nice day. That’s a lovely ring you’ve got there by the way.

(Gandalf is on Gwaihir, having just escaped from Saruman. He leans over to speak in Gwaihir’s ear.)

Gandalf: Do you think you could swing down there and let me pick up my staff?

(Elrond greets Gandalf upon his arrival at Rivendell)

Gandalf: Elrond, Lord of Rivendell.

Elrond: Gandalf the Grey. It is long since we saw you. These are troubled times, but you are welcome, provided you do not bring ill tidings of Saruman betraying us, the orc armies massing in the east and the One Ring having been found.

Gandalf: Right. See you later then. (Turns and leaves.)

(Deep in the mines of Moria, the Fellowship waits on the stairs while Frodo and Aragorn attempt to balance properly for the stairs to fall so they can get off. Merry and Pippin are sitting a few steps down talking and watching.)

Merry: So how many times do you think we’ll let Frodo almost die before we let him go first?

(Three horn blasts are heard throughout the forest. Legolas slays and orc, then stops to listen.)

Legolas: Boromir! (Gimli walks over from where he was slaying an orc.)

Gimli: What does three blasts mean again? (Legolas shrugs.)

Legolas: Either he’s in deadly trouble, or he’s letting us know he took a lunch break. I can never remember which.

(Boromir has just picked up the shards of Isildor’s sword.)

Boromir: Still sharp — after all these years. (He looks at Aragorn.) Mind if I borrow this to shave?

(Frodo tumbles down the mountain and drops the ring in the snow.)

Aragorn: Frodo. This is the sixth time you’ve dropped the ring. Is there something you want to tell us?

(The fellowship is buried in snow on that icy ledge in the mountains. They are discussing their options.)

Gandalf: Let the Ringbearer decide. (Frodo looks thoughtful.)

Frodo: We go through the mines.

Gandalf: Is that your final answer?

(The Fellowship has reached the woods of Lothlorien and Frodo hears a voice inside his head.)

Galadriel: Frodo, your coming to us is as the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil here Ringbearer. Welcome to Lothlorien by the way.

(The fellowship has just arrived at Lorien. The elves are surrounding them with bows drawn.)

Haldir: That dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark.

Gimli: From the way you walk, you shoot other things in the dark too…

(Gandalf and Elrond are discussing the fate of the ring.)

Elrond: Men? Men are weak. Human beings are a disease. A virus. The cancer of this planet. They are a plague.

Gandalf: Elrond?

(The Fellowship is hiding under the rocks and bushes to avoid the spies of Saruman who are swooping overhead. Frodo emerges from under the rock and turns to Aragorn.)

Frodo: Uh, Strider? Where exactly did we hide the pony?

(Gandalf is talking to the moth on top of Isengard)

Gandalf: And I’d like a large pepperoni with cheese. On second though make that an extra large. Who knows how long Saruman will have me up here.

(Frodo has dropped the ring in the snow and Boromir has picked it up.)

Boromir: I don’t know why people want this ring so much. It has no resale value.

(The fellowship meets with Celeborn and Galadriel in Lothlorien.)

Celeborn: Eight there are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him.

Pippin: (whispering to Merry) Is he supposed to sound that gay?

(Boromir is defending Merry and Pippin from the orcs.)

Pippin: Shouldn’t we help him?

Merry: No, he stole my last apple a couple of days ago. I’ll never forgive him.

(Bilbo’s party is in full swing. Pippin and Merry are watching the festivities.)

Pippin: What are we going to do tonight?

Merry: How’s about we try a foolish prank, get caught by Gandalf and forced to do dishes for the rest of the night for some unknown reason?

Pippin: Sounds good.

(The hobbits and Aragorn have halted at the troll statues. Aragorn is talking with Arwen.)

Pippin: What are they saying?

Merry: They’re flirting in Elvish.

(Gandalf and Saruman are having their last argument on the top of Orthanc.)

Gandalf: There is only one Lord of the Ring and he does not share power.

Saruman: Actually, he prefers to be called Lord of the Dance now, at least until he gets the ring back.

(Saruman is talking to the Uruk Hai.)

Saruman: Whom do you serve?

Uruk Hai: Gandalf.

Saruman: This one’s defective. Fetch me another one!

(Celeborn and Galdriel greet the company. Gimli growls angrily and marches away. The rest of the company stare after him.)

Aragorn: I apologize for Gimli, my lord. The elven splendour must have overcome him.

Merry: No. He’s just annoyed because we’ve been introduced to even more characters with blue eyes.

(Galadriel is speaking to Frodo after he has looked in the mirror.)

Galdriel: He will try to take the ring. You know of whom I speak.

Frodo: I don’t know Galadriel. Bill’s only a pony after all…

(Saruman is briefing Lurtz.)

Saruman: One of the halflings carries something of great value. Bring them to me alive, and unspoiled.

Lurtz: Would you like me to refrigerate or smoke them my lord?

(Aragorn is talking to Sam after Frodo is stabbed by the Witch King.)

Aragorn: It is sometimes known as kingsfoil.

Sam: Kingsfoil? It’s a weed.

Aragorn: Don’t give me that Sam. I get enough of it in Return of the King.