MOON LETTERS : CREATIVE WRITING
The Funniship of the Ring: Book 1. A parody. - by Tweakenal
The Funniship of the Ring. Book 1. A parody.
"Well, Hoho," said Handoff the Gloomy to his friend the Blobbit, "It looks as
if the Ring your Uncle Dumbo found underneath the Messy Mountains may
be more than it seems."
Hoho looked up from his whittling. "Huh?" he said.
Handoff looked up at the clock on the wall. "Woah! I'm almost late for the
Flighty Counsil! I gotta go, Hoho, thanks for the turkey dinner," and with
that, the blizzard breezed out the door, upsetting Hoho's dinner as he went.
"Doggone blizzard. I don't know why uncle Dumbo ever let him in here in
the first place," muttered Hoho. "I wonder what he meant about my ring?
Tomfool Sandwich entered through the hectagonal door. "Your lawn is all
mowed. And I managed to miss most of your flowers."
Hoho suddenly had an inspiration. Why didn't he go find Uncle Dumbo and
ask him why he let the parasitic blizzard into the Blobbit's hole so many
years ago? And why not take a few friends along? Oh, sure, it might be
dangerous, but they needn't worry-at least until they had a good reason to
"That's good, Tom. Uh, I was wondering, how would you like to take an
extended picnic? I'd like to get out of the Mire for a few days."
"Ooh!" Tom squealed, "We can take Piping Take and Mary Christmas! It'll
be fun! I'll start packing." And the overenthused Blobbit bustled off to pack
and invite Hoho's other friends.
Hoho breathed a sigh of relief. At least if some vicious beast decided to
attack the little "picnic", he would have a 75% chance of getting away.
Tom flew in an hour or two later, dragging the luggage and two very
unwilling, whining Blobbits, who knew something of Hoho's ways.
"I don't want to die!" wailed Piping Take.
"My hay fever is at it's peak!" shrieked Mary Christmas, who was hard put
to find an excuse better than Piping's.
"I wanted to bring Slim Bolder too, but he has a nasty case of pneumonia,"
said Tom, setting down the three heavy looking picnic baskets.
Hoho, hungry already, eyed the baskets with greed. He smelled the
destinctive aroma of little red cherry tomatoes, cooked with a light basting of
basil lemon sauce.
Ham Sandwich entered the room.
"Tomfool, now y'all be careful out there. Some outlandish Big Person
dressed all in paisley was asking about ya. I said you had all gone off,
because I thought you had," he said looking hard at Tom.
"Thank you, Ham," said Hoho, wanting him to leave so they could be on
their way. But the two younger Blobbits had seen their chance to delay their
departure possibly indefinitely and were talking up a storm and begging Ham
to take them home. It was well known that Hamslow Sandwich could not
resist a long, drawn out conversation.
It was a good half an hour later before Hoho and Tom could drag the two
whiny blobbits away.
The four Blobbits made their slow, painful way out of the Mire.
Hoho was mulling on Uncle Dumbo's last cryptic message. "I'll be in
Flivenbell, if you want me, Hoho." Hoho wondered if his crazy old uncle
really meant what he said, or if he was just going off on one of his crazy
Then he noticed he was up to his armpits in slime. He wondered how he
was going to get out of this one. He surmized that this must be the reason
that the whimpers of the younger (and shorter) blobbits had suddenly ceased.
He looked over his shoulder and to his horror he saw a man in paisley. Not
that paisley itself is horrifying, but the colors left the impression of total
Hoho barely supressed a loud and shrill scream. But Tom was not so
lucky. A yowl of frightening proportions escaped from his direction.
The Paisley Rider looked up. It was just about ready to leap when it heard
the sound of music. Hoho strained his ears. Why, it was the sound of Selfish
boomboxes, playing the favorite band of Selves everywhere, MeToo, and the
song "Horrible Day"!
Hoho almost let loose another terrified scream. The rider let loose a long,
drawn out shout of anguish. It was immediately followed by another, almost
in Hoho's ear. It was too much for the Blobbit. He screamed with such
agony that the great slime beast that was about to eat him was frightened
off. It even drowned out the songs of the Selves.
Tom, who had managed to fend off the slime beast and rescue the younger
blobbits immediately took command of the situation.
"Hide!" he yelled.
But it was too late. A voice was heard close by.
"Here they art, the little scoundrels!"
A great company of Selves appeared. The head Self frowned down upon
them and spoke words that they did not catch.
"Say what?" said Hoho.
The Self made a waved his hand and all the boomboxes of the Selves were
"We're in trouble," whispered Hoho to Tom. "A Self lord never turns the
music off unless he's going to say something that he wants to make sure
someone will hear. The silence doesn't bode well with his followers."
The Self frowned at the blobbits. He raised his hand and a sense of awe fell
upon them. Hoho found himself wanting to laugh.
"What art thou doing, thou little short folk? Thou art irking me. Dost thou
think that my patience is everlasting? Thy bumbling ways have brought the
Paisley Riders forth, which have not ridden the earth in ages! Knowest thou
the penalty for such wickedness?"
Hoho swallowed. He thought he could guess.
"Death?" croaked Piping.
"Death?! Thinkest thou that we are barbarians? Nay, little short folk! The
penalty for such is that you must be our slaves! And as the king of these
swamplands, so do I sentence thee!"
He spoke to several burly looking Selfish warriors and they plucked the
frightened blobbits out of the slime and started carrying them.
The entire company of Selves walked on for several miles until they were on
firmer ground and could carry the blobbits without dropping them. Then
they made them walk.
But they soon picked them up again when they found that blobbits have a
peculiar trait of running very quickly from their captors. They finally came
to an arbor overshadowed by very large trees. The Selves placed the
blobbits under heavy guard under a great beech with overhanging boughs.
"How do they get so big?" whispered Mary.
"I suppose they eat all their vegatables," hissed Tom.
"No, I mean the trees!"
An hour or two later the guards came and brought them before the Selfish
lord who had spoken with them earlier. His entire court stood around him
with solemn looks on their faces.
The guards placed the blobbits before him and retreated.
The Self frowned upon them.
"Dost thou know what thou hast done, little short folk?"
Hoho cleared his throat and said what was on the mind of all the blobbits
"I want my mommy."
The Self frowned on them until they all felt like crying. Then to their
amazement and everlasting shame he started laughing uncontrollably.
"I want my mommy!" he chortled, "I have not heard anything so funny
since I dost not know when! And if thou couldst just have seen the looks on
thy faces! Har har har!"
He collapsed in a fit of mirth. His entire court was laughing heartily.
The blobbits looked at each other in doubt and suspision.
"Perhaps I shouldst explain," said the head Selfish guard seeing the looks on
the blobbits' faces. "The lord Screendor is a great one for practical jokes.
He meaneth no personal offence."
Hoho remembered one of the tales that his Uncle Dumbo had told him, long
ago when he was just a youngster in the Mire. He had told him about the
Selfish lord Eitheror, who mistakenly used a hand buzzer in the Great
Counsil on the lord Moron. Which explained the wars that ensued.
"Then, we aren't going to be made slaves of?" said Tomfool, voicing the
other thought on the blobbits' minds.
The lord Screendor recovered himself just then.
"Nay, little short folk," he said wiping his eyes. "But I do hope that thou
wilst stay for dinner."
Hoho dithered. "I think we'd better be going. Can you just point the way
back to the Road Going East?"
The Self looked troubled. "Nay, short one. That I cannot do. For we know
not the way out of this wood. We have been wandering for six days with
nothing to eat. You misunderstood me when I extended the invitation to
dine with us. What I meant was will you be so kind as to let us partake of
your bounty, or wilt thou let us perish of starvation in this forsaken wood? I
trust you have enough for all gathered here."
He took a deep breath. "Do mine nostrils smell little red cherry tomatoes
with a lemon basil sauce?"
The blobbits had no choice but to let the Selves partake of their food. They
watched glumly as their hopes for dinner were dashed. The food
disappeared at an alarming rate down the gullets of the incredibly greedy
Screendor finished his last tomato. He leaned back in his chair and fell
asleep. The rest of the Selves gathered around a large fire and were singing
songs about food.
Hoho leaned over and whispered to the other blobbits.
"When I give the signal, we'll escape into the woods."
There was no answer. Hoho turned around to see what they were doing.
They were not there. They had snuck off when Screendor had started
snoring. Hoho had to run almost five minutes before he caught up with
Of course, he had to convince them that he was really the genuine Hoho
Flaggins before he could get within ten feet of them.
"Look," he said. "Who but the real Hoho Flaggins would have a wallet with
a picture of Mount Lurbalurba in it?"
"You could have stolen his wallet!" said Mary. "Or falsely developed an
obsession with the stupid mountain!"
But Hoho soon dispelled any doubts by threatening to go back and alert the
Selves of their escape.
They walked on for about three seconds. Then Piping stopped short and
gave a great cry. Of course, he being in front he stopped the others rather
more rapidly than they would have liked.
"It is! It's the Road Going East!" he cried with joy. The other
aloud with great clamor. Their happy shouts were met with a tremolous
yowl from a hilltop on their left. It was soon followed by another, followed
by what sounded like a sneeze directly ahead of them.
"The Paisley Riders!" the blobbits cried in terror. They ran along the
Eastward Going Road until they saw the lights of a town almost a mile away.
"Whatever happens," puffed Hoho, "I am not to be addressed as Mr.
Flaggins. I want to be known as Mr. Overtheriverandthroughthewoods."
"What?" said Mary.
"Mr. Flaggins is getting one of his funny fits again, I expect," said Tom, not
relishing the prospect.
They came upon the town.
"Why, It's Flee!" said Piping in surprise. "I didn't know we were near the
"We sure haven't traveled long enough to get here," agreed Hoho.
"No!" said Piping. "I thought we'd be at least to the end of the earth by
The blobbits were now at the gate. Hoho knocked at the gate with all of his
might. Still it was half an hour before he was answered.
The gatekeeper glared down at them.
"What do you want?" he snarled.
"We want to come in," said Hoho.
"Well, why did you wake me up? Didn't you see the sign? 'Come on in,
the door's open'! Can't you read?"
The blobbits were once again embarrased beyond words. It was fifteen
minutes before they could convince the guard to let them in. Even then, it
took all the money that they could muster that the Selves had not stolen
They walked on. They did not notice the dark figure that crept to the top of
the wall behind them and fell to the ground with a muffled yelp, before
dusting itself off and creeping off into the shadows.
Hoho was very anxious. He had planned on a nice journey, but already he
had been robbed, chased by big people in very hidious clothes, and
embarrased greatly. Now all he wanted was to find an inn where he could
get a cheap meal and room. He wondered where could find such a place.
He looked up all of a sudden. There was an almost abandoned looking
place. The sign above the door read 'The Dead Bunny by Barleyguy
Margarine'. It looked like just the place Hoho was looking for. He had
never been more wrong in all his life.
They walked in. The very dirty common room was all but abandoned, save
for several dark and sinister characters slinking in corners. One of them
caught sight of the blobbits as they looked warily about them. He motioned
to the others and they gathered about them, and blocked the door.
"What do you want?" cried Hoho, "Don't rob us! We have no money, all
we want is a place to stay and some hot food. We didn't come all this way to
be robbed and beaten by a bunch of scaliwags and hoodlums!"
The biggest man stooped and looked into Hoho's face. "Hoodlums it is,
huh?" he grinned at him, showing very dirty yellow teeth. "Hoodlums
nothing! I happen to be the proprietor of this fine establishment."
Hoho's heart dropped to his toes. Then it jumped into his throat and choked
him and made tears form in his eyes. His stomach did flip-flops and his head
felt 4 feet above his shoulders. For a moment he felt like he was at his sixth
birthday party all over again.
"Well," said Barleyguy, "It looks like you've found the right place!"
Hoho seriously doubted that. His suspisions were confirmed when
Barleyguy and his henchmen made them do dishes until they thought their
arms would fall off and plop into the cold slimy dishwater. Then he
rewarded them with a paltry meal and a night in the worst room in the
building. While the blobbits were eating their dry bread and water in the
common room, Hoho noticed another sinister character sitting off in another
corner. (Hoho had never seen so many corners in a single building before.)
He was staring very hard at the blobbits. Hoho wondered why he hadn't
joined the other henchmen's game of taunting the blobbits. The guy
beckoned to him. Hoho looked at the other blobbits. They had fallen asleep
at the table. Hoho swallowed hard and walked to the corner. As he
approached the guy threw back his hood revealing a head. Hoho didn't even
blink at this, expecting the man to have one. Hoho sat down cautiously.
"I am called Slimer," the guy said. "I wish to speak with you, Mr.,
Overtheriverandthroughthewoods, if I got your name right, which I hope I
"You're speaking with me now, aren't you?" snapped Hoho irritably.
Slimer held up his hands in defence. "Hey, don't have a cow, man, I just
wanted to warn you."
Hoho was suddenly very interested in what the guy was going to say.
"Warn me about what?" he said cautiously.
Slimer looked around and bent towards Hoho. "I wish to warn you about
dark men slinking in corners. Don't listen to them!"
Hoho got up to leave.
"I don't mean me!" cried the man. "Seriously, you are in grave danger.
Paisley riders have been seen riding on the Eastward Going Road. It is
rumored that they are looking for "Flaggins". Everyone I know of is very
mad at the person who called them forth. Would you know where I could
find this Flaggins? It would mean a lot to me. You see, there's a
price on his
head," at this point in his dialogue he paused and laughed. "And I happen to
be short on cash."
Hoho was rather nervous at this news. "But why are you warning me of
this? My name isn't Flaggins."
"Oh, isn't it?" said Slimer, and stood up. Hoho suddenly saw just how tall
and muscular the guy was. Slimer continued. "While Barleyguy and his
henchmen were making you do dishes, I stole your wallet!" He cackled and
held it forth. Hoho gasped.
"Oh, you recognize it, do you, short one? Well, you'd better be happy that
I'm returning it. What kind of a guy do you think I am, anyway?"
Hoho didn't say what he thought, which was just as well. Slimer handed
Hoho his wallet back. Hoho inspected it. Everything was there, even his
precious picture of Mt. Lurbalurba. He stuck it in his back pocket.
Slimer leaned back in his seat. Luckily, he had the presence of mind to keep
from tipping over completely. "Actually, Mr. Flaggins, what I wanted to
warn you about was that Barleyguy is not to be trusted. Or his henchmen.
You are not safe here. I would recommend that you leave immediately, if
Hoho sighed. "Yes, I must leave. But I don't know where to go. My
original plan was to go to Flivenbell, to see my Uncle Dumbo, but I don't see
how I'm going to get there."
Slimer's face brightened. "Flivenbell? Oh, I know where that is! I could
take you there! I know lots of shortcuts. I've been lost, er, wandered these
lands for many years. I am older than I look."
Hoho looked doubtful. "I don't know, Slimer, my uncle had a saying that
he loved to say, it went 'He who tries a shorter way may not get home ere
break of day', or something like that. He was very pessimistic, Uncle
Dumbo." Hoho remembered the day Uncle Dumbo had first told him that.
He was very young. They had spent the day looking for wild flakkberries in
the woods of the Mire. Hoho had thought he knew the way home but the
trail soon proved to lead to an abandoned swamp. Uncle Dumbo had given
him a long lecture after that.
Hoho was suddenly aware of daylight peeking in the windows. The
younger blobbits were waking up. Hoho decided to go with this strange
guy, at least until all his good advice ran out.
Slimer led the blobbits through the sleeping town to the eastern end. They
traveled several miles down the road to shake off any who were following.
Then he led them through a swamp with many crossing paths. The blobbits
were soon confused, and soon it was evident that Slimer was too. They
wandered in the swamp for three days before Slimer got his bearings back.
"I knew we should have stayed at the Dead Bunny," hissed Piping to Hoho
as Slimer was trying to get his boot out of a tree. "I kinda liked that
They wound their weary way around the feet of the looming hills just as
twilight colored the crests of the clouds the color of the mountains in the far
"It looks like it's going to storm," said Piping irritably and wearily.
"Shut up," said Slimer, knowing he was right and not liking it. "I
camp on that hill over there. It's called Weatherornot. At the top you can
see for miles around. Now get up and let's get started."
They made their even wearier way up the hill. Halfway up the large
looming hill was a small bowl, facing away from the road. Tom and Piping
stayed to make camp while Slimer, Hoho and Mary crawled wearily all the
way up to see what they could see.
They paused wearily halfway up the hill. It was wearily higher than it
"Man, am I weary," said Hoho wearily.
"Aren't we all weary?" said Mary even more wearily.
"Shut up," said Arrogant wearily. "We've got to make our weary way to
the top of the hill soon, or else." He gave the blobbits a menacing yet weary
look. They continued wearily on.
Finally, they stood on top of the hill and looked wearily all
around. All they
could see was landscape, landscape, and more landscape.
"We climbed all the weary way up only to see this?" said Mary
incredulously and wearily.
"Didn't I tell you (wearily or not) to shut up?" growled Slimer weary of the
blobbit's wearying jabber.
While the man and the blobbit were screaming loudly yet wearily at each
other, Hoho made his weary way over to the edge of the hill and wearily
looked at the road. To his horror, there were five brightly colored dots,
approaching rapidly from different directions. Hoho was weary just looking
at them. He wondered if he could somehow wearily creep down the other
side of the hill unnoticed by the dots or his weary companions, except he was
so weary he didn't know if he could. The idea was soon squelched as one of
the dots emitted a loud howl. Slimer wearily threw Mary and Hoho to the
ground and started to wearily crawl off towards their camp. Hoho and Mary
wearily scrambled after him. As they wearily rushed into camp, they found
Tom and Piping wearily lounging about without having unpacked. Slimer
started yelling wearily at them to get up, but before they could stir the sun
set, and the paisley riders were upon them.
They and the riders stared at each other momentarily, and wearily. Then
with a yell Slimer spritely ran off into the night, leaving the weary
fight alone. Once again, Tom, as weary as he was, took control of the
"Run!" he yelled.
But it was too late. The paisley riders threw themselves into battle with a
fury. It was all the blobbits could do to keep themselves ahead of them.
Then the Rider in the most garish costume stood up and pulled something
out of his belt. Hoho saw in horror what it was. He tried to run, but with
Piping mistaking him for a Paisley Rider it was something less than easy.
(Also he was still weary.) The Paisley Rider threw the object at Hoho and
then all the Riders suddenly disappeared.
The projectile struck Hoho a glancing blow on the shoulder, spinning him
out of control. He fell to the ground in a swoon. The blobbits gathered
around Hoho and wondered how to divide the spoil.